Monday, June 1, 2009

Where do I start????

Well... Yesterday was a hard day. I was feeling very lost and alone. At one point I even became angry. Don't get me wrong I have been blessed with great friends from all different walks of life who have been very supportive of me and all of my many endeavors. It is just that David and I have now gone through Brain surgery number 29. Again I waited for a prognosis alone (meaning without a companion or "father figure" for David) No matter how much the people around me care for David and I it is only me who walks this journey. No one can understand how the uncertainty of the situation truly feels nor can I understand theirs. It is just what it is.

I was dwelling on the concept of "what comes around goes around" and "you reap what you sew". I am puzzled because I am far from perfect but my heart is a giving heart and I long to have a positive impact on all the lives David and I encounter. I help people from the goodness of my heart because my heart truly does ache to see people suffer. Why is it that every man in my life cheats on me even though I have never been a cheater? Why is it that people walk in my life, use me, and walk out with no regards for David and my well being? Do I deserve this treatment? Am I unconsciously provoking it or is it as simple as takers love givers so I am an easy target.

I have indeed learned from my mistakes and choose friends more wisely but still don't understand why I am frequently treated unfairly. OK OK I was feeling a bit sorry for myself yesterday and "life just wasn't fair".

I said all of that to say that I got on my knees and begged God for answers and if he could not give me answers I asked that he would at least give me a new perspective. Well, today I woke and started my new job. I could not have asked to work for better people or a better cause. Although, I am still unclear about why or what has or has not gone on in my life I had such a Peace about who and were I am. I know that God has me right were he wants me and even thought our future might means more challenges to come I am completely confident that God is moving in our lives and everything is going to be Fantastic (not just OK).

So at least for today I am hopeful for tomorrow PRAISE GOD!!!