Sunday, October 18, 2009

Yesterday was oh so painful…

I had an event to go to for Phoenix Youth At-Risk which I had planned to attend for over a month. I had arranged for my mother to watch David but my mom got sick. I asked my sister law to help since I knew my nieces were going to a costume party. My sister in law had plans but invited David to go with the girls since the invitation had been extended to him as well. The thing was the party was for David’s little sister Lilly (his fathers daughter) at his father’s house. David has not spent more than 10 minutes with his father in years. Some of his family has not even seen David for almost 7 years. Although I would love for David to have a relationship with his family) cousins, aunts, and uncles) it is too late for his father to try and be a dad (which he shows no interested in anyway).

Knowing his father would be preoccupied with his daughter and the party I decided to allow David to go hoping he would have the opportunity to connect with some of his family. I also knew that Lilly deserves a big brother even if Hugo (David’s father) doesn’t deserve a son. I dropped him off with my niece who promised to never leave his side. I got to the end of the block and was ready to turn back. By the time I got home I was a crying mess.

I am David’s arms and feet, his voice, his eyes and I had just left him in an unsure situation and I was not there to advocate for him, help him, or protect him. I knew he was in goods hands with my niece but letting go was very difficult. I pulled myself together and went to my event. At the event a young boy spoke about how Phoenix Youth At –Risk had transformed his life. Although his speech was very inspirational he also talked about how not having a father impacted him. How he went through feelings of worthlessness from his fathers abandonment. At that moment I thanked God David was not normal because if he could understand things like a typical 12 year old I would have to explain to him why his father is not around and seems to not care or love him. I anxiously watched my phone all night and left early to go for the kids.

When I got there to pick them up I waited outside for 30 minutes. I kept asking the people outside to let them know that I was there to get them but I guess no one cared. Finally I walked to the back to get them I kindly said hello and then got David and his stuff. His father sat in a chair with his hands thrown back and watched me struggle to maneuver the wheelchair. I eventually got David and his wheelchair in the car with to thanks to Hugo or his family.
I tried not to resent them but I did. I resented the fact that everyday I change diapers, I take care of a 12 year who depends solely on me for everything, I carry a little boy who weighs half of what I do, and I have to deal with a big clunky wheelchair and for the first time in years his father had an opportunity to help me and like always I was on my own.

I was angry that no one could even acknowledge the fact that for the last 12 years I have been David’s mother, father, caretaker, physical therapist, nurse at times, and I have been responsible for keeping my little angel alive. Making sure we keep his seizures under control, cheering him through each and every hospital stay and/or brain surgery.

I could not understand how any adult could place value on one life and not another. Why is it that his little girl deserves a party and tons of gift but, David doesn’t not even get a phone call? As I sat and had a conversation with God and realized that maybe it is not that David and I need them but they need David. His smile, his positive attitude, and his amazing courage.

It just hurts; it hurts to know that we will struggle through his next Birthday and yet another Christmas alone, while David’s father will get his other child everything she wants or need. I guess I was forced to face the challenges that many single parents face. For me it is a challenge I choose not to focus on or deal with but last night the pain of my son being abandoned and left to experience life fatherless was very real.

Monday, October 5, 2009

After four days of feeling like my stomach was being cut open from the inside out I decided to drive myself to the ER last night. I found out I have Gastro-Enteritis which is another name for an infection in the intestinal tract. The doctors say it is a bacterial virus, and they don't know how I got it but it has made my intestines and liver swell. All I know is it is very painful!!!!!!

I am not sure what is going on with my body but for the last several months I have been getting ill with serious sicknesses????? I have actually had to got to the hospital 3 times, and each time landed me in bed for over a week. I feel like I am losing so much time and so many things still need to get done! I can not eat solid food for a week so I guess that makes up for me missing the gym. lol On a brighter note David has been healthy so at least I am staying a little sane. He did have a small seizure on Sat which required valume but not Fire Department or Hospital =)