Saturday, May 21, 2011

Questions, Questions, and more Questions...

I am having a very hard time dealing with the fact that my son is no longer my baby, not even my big boy, he has now turned into my little man.

He stayed so small for so long and since he is developmentally around age three I never saw the need to see him as anything other than my one and only baby. To be honest him growing scares me to death. I am being forced to face fears I have never thought of before.

I held him on my lap the other night and realized he was hanging off of me. He weighs over half of what I do and he is almost my height! Lol What happens when he is a man?

At what age or stage of development is it inappropriate for him to still sleep with me or is it already inappropriate and if so what do I do? His seizures are at night and don’t stop without medicine so if he is not sleeping by my side how will I know if he has a seizure since they are silent?

It seems like the bigger he gets the more complicated life and raising him becomes. Anyone who knows me knows I do not do well with change so all of the transition and preparation for High School has got me an emotional wreck.

Now that I am in Special Education and learning about teaching youth about appropriate social skills I realize that because of David’s growth the cute things he has always done might not be so cute to others. For example he is such a loving little boy and kisses everyone. I never saw a problem with that because I always have and still do see him sharing affection as a reflection of the love he has learned at home but, after hearing a colleagues perspective I was able to understand how a 14 year old boy kissing strangers in a store who don’t know him, or anything about his disabilities might not be appropriate. When he was itty bitty those same gestures made men and women melt.

Do all mommys go through this?
Is it that I am now forced to think about how his disabilities will play into his future?
Have I just avoided and escaped these emotions all these years?
I wish I could understand!

I guess since he will always rely on me to care for him as if he is a baby I kind of wish he could stay little forever. Is that wrong?