Sunday, March 18, 2012

David is home but our Journey continues on...

My emotions are running wild! I am so very grateful that David is alive, that God granted me/us a Miracle, and that I am again blessed with his Smiles. I am so very confused about my current state of being and emotions.

You would think that now that David is stable and home I would relax, but the truth is I am falling apart! When he was in critical condition I did not have time to grief, process, or emotionally deal with the traumatic experience happening at the moment, I had to stay strong for my baby, who at that moment was so very weak. Now that, “that moment” is over, all of those emotions are flooding in and I feel as if I am drowning.

 I know that after any medical event with David it takes a while for things to return to normal or “our normal”, but this is a very different experience than I am use to. Brain surgery although difficult, is something David and I are both use to and know how to bounce right back from. Watching my son unable to do anything for himself hurts my heart, but than I feel guilty for being sad when I am lucky he is even alive.

 He is not longer potty training, he is still not speaking, he can not help with transfers, feeding himself, or any of “our normal” routines at the present time. I don’t want to be ungrateful for what I don’t have, because I am so very grateful for what I do have. He just didn’t come back the same, I still love him the same if not more, I value and appreciate every minute with him, but don’t know how to process or deal with the drastic changes. 

His whole body constantly shakes, he drools, and he is completely dependant. Doctors say all of these symptoms are most likely temporary, but can be permanent. I can deal with David in whatever package he comes in, I just don’t know how to process and/or adjust to the changes.

David is home but our Journey continues on, as will our struggles. I just know that this experience put me in a place where I had no other choice but to completely and fully hand my heart over to God. I had to trust him with my heart and my son. My heart still hurts but I know I am in a place where he can fix some very deep rooted traumas and pain, and this can only make me a better person and mommy for David.

 It just hurts, it’s confusing, emotional, and something I have to deal with one moment at a time. I know we are headed in the right direction so for now I am going to just keep looking up ^^^^^!

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