Sunday, May 27, 2012
I know many people have been concerned about me. I have not felt like I could face the world so I have isolated myself in an attempted to rely on God to help me figure things out. Many of you are wondering if I am OK and the truth is I am not, but I will be!
For those of you who don't know I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I have experienced several traumatic events in my life which have made it intensify my situations when traumas occur. Recently I have been struggling with transition in my life. I know God is in the mist of the changes occurring, but change and goodbyes are still very difficult for me to process, no matter how necessary they may be.
In addition, to David's near death experience I have also been dealing with our realities. I love my son for who he is, but that does not change the fact that at times my heart aches for who he can never be. I would never trade David's amazing spirits for legs that would work, but as his mother it still hurts to watch other kids run. Watching my child struggle to move and/or breath while most of the world takes forgranted of those blessings. I don't know why we where chosen for this life, I just have to trust that God is in control and knows what he is doing. I have been doing this alone since I was 16, and I am tired, lonely, and trying to figure out my place in all this. I have to keeping on pushing forward no matter how tired I become because my little man needs and deserves a healthy mommy.
As a teacher my job is to teach children things like their ABC's which I can't do for my own child. From time to time that reality sinks in and is very hard to swallow. Life hurts right now!!! My chest feels like it is caving in, and facing everyday takes all that I have and then some.
Life is not fair, this we all know and I will get over it, but it is a process I am struggling with right now. Do I know God is real and with me, without a shadow of a doubt. That being said... it still hurts.
Please understand that I know God is working in our lives. I know that I have been blessed to have the opportunity to watch God complete a miracle in my home, my son's life, and now I believe he is making me deal with the many deep rooted issues in my life so he can restore my heart. A very painful process that will be worth it in the end.
I want everyone who has supported us to know that I appreciate you all, I could not face these obstacles without your embrace. For those who have complicated this journey, used us, betrayed or hurt us, (intentionally or not) I forgive you, but it is time I take control of my life back. I must look forward and never look back. I have to seek the Lord now and can't afford distractions, but we will be back to share our story and smiles again soon! =)
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
I have learned so very much in the last few months... I have learned how very painful the truth is and that it is when times get rough that you realize that the people you thought were on your team are not and that people you didn't think were their have been silently cheering you on all along!
I have so much to be thankful for so I am going to chalk this up to a lesson learned and thank God that he has removed those people from David and my life so that we can embrace all the amazing friends he has blessed us with. The genuine and sincere people in our lives.
I am just feeling so very broken! I know that is the best time for God to come in and mend my pieces... it just doesn't make it hurt any less for the time being! =(
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Life might come with disappointment and challenges, but at the end of the day I can always celebrate the fact that God blessed me with a beautiful little boy. One whose smile brightens my life. I love David more than life itself and on days that pushing forward seems impossible I look into David's eyes and know ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!
Friday, May 11, 2012
For the last few weeks I have felt blessed beyond measure. I can’t seem to find the words to articulate how extremely grateful we are. Last Sunday the pastors wife shared a testimony which really summed it up quite perfectly.
“God is always with us” she proclaimed. She shared about a time in her life, in which she felt down. She explained how she struggled with the idea that God was with us in those moments we feel so alone. She spoke about how hard it was for her to see God in the midst of her miscarriage. She knew he did not cause her to miscarry, but questioned where God was in the midst of her pain and grief.
She than explained that God spoke to her showing her that even though it felt as if he was not their he was indeed by her side. On the days that followed many friend and members of her church congregation supported them. When she was unable to clean her house God sent women from the church to volunteer. On the days that getting out of bed and cooking meals where tasks to intense, he sent members of the church with dinner, “that is how you could see me and my presence in the midst of your pain”.
That is how I feel. For many years I struggled to see God in my life, situation, and even heart at times. I felt so lost, abandoned, and neglected. My perspective has changed and when I wonder where God is, I see him in the College and High school soccer teams washing cars on weekends to help me with David’s medical expense, I see God in our new friends who our fundraising for us all the way from KS, and his presence is present in the contractors and volunteers putting our new house together! God is with us always, continuously working in our lives! He has always been there, but sometimes he comes in packages we might not expect.
Thank you God, for sending all the amazing people you have, who were willing to be a vessel and part of changing our lives. You have all been God hands and feet embracing us when we needed God's warm embrace. David and I are now in an amazing place because of it.
Only 3 more hours until I get the best Mother’s day gift in the world. The ability to see my son in the home he needs and deserves!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Besides the new house... I have a new found faith and hope in our savior which I had lost for some time. I knew that God was real and capable of saving lives, I just didn't know he loved me enough to do it for us.
We have struggled for sometime now and in the mist of me trying to save the world felt abandoned by God. I couldn't understand why with all his power and my faith he hadn't saved us.
He had thousands of years ago, but my need to be in control had interfered with his plans. In a desperate state I surrendered everything to him and within two months he restored my heart, my soul, my house, my son... and it goes on!
I know that I know that he is real and loves me and that feeling has aloud me to love myself and embrace my situation. Thank You Jesus and everyone else who has aloud him to use you to touch our lives.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
I am so excited... The person making the cake does amazing work and is crafting a cake with a candy figure of David on it! www.carmensucakes.com
The cake has been generously donated by this baker through an organization called Icing Smiles Inc, which is a nonprofit organization that provides custom celebration cakes and other treats to families impacted by the critical illness of a child.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
As the date draws closer I become more and more excited... I got the releases out to my students today so that they can be part of the show, we got our hotel info, and tomorrow we find out about wardrobe. This dream is become more of a reality everyday. God is so FAITHFUL.
If you would like to be part of the finale "The Reveal" Please mark your calenders for May 11th at 5:30pm. You will have to sign a release =) Everyone is invited to come and represent Team David!