Sunday, May 27, 2012

I feel so cheated...


I know many people have been concerned about me.  I have not felt like I could face the world so I have isolated myself in an attempted to rely on God to help me figure things out.  Many of you are wondering if I am OK and the truth is I am not, but I will be!

For those of you who don't know I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  I have experienced several traumatic events in my life which have made it intensify my situations when traumas occur.  Recently I have been struggling with transition in my life.  I know God is in the mist of the changes occurring, but change and goodbyes are still very difficult for me to process, no matter how necessary they may be.

In addition, to David's near death experience I have also been dealing with our realities.  I love my son for who he is, but that does not change the fact that at times my heart aches for who he can  never be.  I would never trade David's amazing spirits for legs that would work, but as his mother it still hurts to watch other kids run.  Watching my child struggle to move and/or breath while most of the world takes forgranted of those blessings. I don't know why we where chosen for this life, I just have to trust that God is in control and knows what he is doing.  I have been doing this alone since I was 16, and I am tired, lonely, and trying to figure out my place in all this.  I have to keeping on pushing forward no matter how tired I become because my little man needs and deserves a healthy mommy.

As a teacher my job is to teach children things like their ABC's which I can't do for my own child.  From time to time that reality sinks in and is very hard to swallow.  Life hurts right now!!!  My chest feels like it is caving in, and facing everyday takes all that I have and then some.

Life is not fair, this we all know and I will get over it, but it is a process I am struggling with right now.  Do I know God is real and with me, without a shadow of a doubt.  That being said... it still hurts.

Please understand that I know God is working in our lives.  I know that I have been blessed to have the opportunity to watch God complete a miracle in my home, my son's life, and now I believe he is making me deal with the many deep rooted issues in my life so he can restore my heart.  A very painful process that will be worth it in the end.

I want everyone who has supported us to know that I appreciate you all, I could not face these obstacles without your embrace.  For those who have complicated this journey, used us, betrayed or hurt us, (intentionally or not) I forgive you, but it is time I take control of my life back.  I must look forward and never look back.  I have to seek the Lord now and can't afford distractions, but we will be back to share our story and smiles again soon! =)

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