Friday, December 26, 2014

As I was worshiping God this morning All You've Ever Wanted by Casting Crowns came on.  

I was chasing healing when I'd been made well
I was fighting battles when You conquered hell
Living free but from a prison cell
Lord, I lay it down today

So I'll stop living off of how I feel
And start standing on Your truth revealed
Jesus is my strength, my shield
And He will never fail me

No more chains, I've been set free
No more fighting battles You've won for me
Now in Christ, I stand complete

I needed to hear these words today.  I refuse to be that broken little girl who waisted way to many years bound to the pains of my past.  Today I take a stand, I refuse to get caught up in life's challenges, fighting a battle that God has already won for me.  A price that an innocent man paid for me, for my sins, for my freedom.  God graciously gave his life so that I could live life abundantly, and I will honor his life and mine by doing so!  My prayer today is that those who have not gained that understanding will one day feel God's warm embrace as I have. 

I will not dwell on the past, nor focus on my current circumstance.  I can't afford to focus on anything but Jesus and the blood he shed for me.  I choose to get back up however many times necessary and live my life as a testament of God's faithfulness and grace.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Many blessing to you and yours this CHRISTmas!

    Our first Christmas, where our journey began!

Sometimes the most difficult part of this season for me is making the conscious decision to focus on the amazing blessing we do have, and not the things that have not yet be placed in our life.  It is extremely difficult to make that choice when my hearts longs to have the typical traditional Christmas.  A Holiday filled with family, health, and peace.   I am wishing I had at least my parents to share CHRISTmas with, but that is just not what life is for us right now.  At the moment I am holding on to the memory of my dad and the random 3 minute phone calls I get from my mom from prison.   It can make this month an extremely lonely time, but I know I have been blessed with the best kid a mom could ask for, a great church,  a spectacular life, and the opportunity to allow God to fill the void in my life!

This year CHRISTmas has come and gone and I have struggled to find time to breath and take it all in.  We will not be spending the Holidays the way I anticipated we would, but will be doing things exactly how God had planned!  David and I have decided to stay in for the Holidays. No travels, no outings, no running away from life. David is coming down with a cold and this paranoid mommy rather spend Christmas eve at home caring for him then end up having to spend Christmas day in the Hospital. We are going to have some Jesus Rehab while enjoying hot coco and Vitamin C.

I am so thankful for all the many blessings in our lives! Even the situations that did not or do not always feel so magical at times. Each one of those situations has led David and I right to where we are, and that is exactly where God wants us to be. 

Always remember that although life hurts sometimes and things happen that are beyond our understanding and/or control, one thing we can control is the choices we make to embrace every single opportunity granted to us.  Today I choose to focus on the extraordinary ways God has transformed our lives through the disappointments.  I will focus on the understanding that somethings are not meant to be understood, they are meant to help us grow into the person God intended us to be.  

May God richly bless you and yours with a clear understanding of how majestical he is and may you spend your Holidays reminded of the true reason for the season. 

 Our 18th Christmas, where our journey continues!

Monday, December 22, 2014

I am excited to announce that David will be participating in Arizona Rock 'n' Roll Marathon on January 18th.  I would love for all of our Team David fans and supporters to share in this extraordinary event with us.

David is going to have the opportunity to run/roll with a partner runner. There's an organization of people who have decided to sponsor a child to share their legs with.  ;)   The thought of David having the opportunity to participate in a marathon is fun and exciting, but more than anything else the mere thought of watching my child roll past the finish line brings tears of joy to my eyes. 

As David has transitioned in to adulthood I have had to come to terms with the fact that there are some dreams I have had for us that need to be laid to rest.  It has been an extremely emotional process that has been difficult for most people to understand.   Every mother naturally wants to watch their child walk or hit milestones that they watch all of their friends children hit. At some point as the mother of a special needs child, you learn to set those disappointments aside so that you can embrace the journey you have been chosen for. 

That being said, it does not make the process any less heart wrenching for a mother.   You eventually learn to focus on all the amazing things your child can do.  But there are some dreams that are hard to let go of, so you tuck those ones far away so that they don’t haunt you.  Watching David miss out on typical experiences has been the hardest part of this process for me.  As his mother I want nothing more than to give my bright eyed, courageous, hero all the opportunities that children with out medical challenges have, but some days I don’t feel too successful. 

There are some experiences you don’t think you'll be afforded the opportunity to see here on this earth.  Surprisingly sometimes you are!  To me this experience is God gently whispering to me that he hears the cries of my heart. God is reminding me that although reaching our dreams might not look as though I thought they would, God is still granting us our dreams in a different form.  Watching my child participate in a marathon and roll past a finish line will be a dream come true for us!!!!

THANK YOU RUNNERS AND BEST BUDDIES!!!!!   Thank you for giving us a gift that money could never buy, an opportunity to see my child do something that I never thought I'd get to see him do. Thank you for putting a smile on this mommies face.  When you have to go without you learn to appreciate the little things.  In the process you gain an understanding of the true value of such cherished experiences.  A cherished gift from you to us!  THANK YOU ;)

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

David got served!!!  Lol  Our guardianship hearing will be on January 29th.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

My Dearest David,

 I'm still not sure what to think about you being an adult tomorrow. Part of me feels so extremely blessed that we made it this far in our journey, but there is another part of me wants to hold on to my little boy forever.  

Where did the time go and where do I begin?

Over the last 18 years you've transformed my life in so many ways!  You have empowered me, motivated me, inspired me, taught me to love others and myself, and above all else molded me into the woman of God I am today. I was on the self-destructive path when God sent you to me. Although to the outside world having a medically fragile child at 16 seemed as if my life had taken a devastating turn for the worst, in all reality God knew I needed you to save me from myself and gave me meaning and purpose.

You have taught me the valuable lesson that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.   My perspective is forever changed and I now understand that unfortunate circumstance often offer incredible opportunities to prove to ourselves and others how strong we really are.   In every aspect of my life you're the man behind my success and God knew I needed you just as you are just when he sent you to me. 

I needed you to push me, to teach me that there was more to life to live for,  I needed you to help me realized that the pain of this earth is only temporary and that my purpose here is far greater than the pain and obstacles this world has thrown our way.  You are the reason I found God, the reason I made a conscious choice to serve others, the reason I push myself through college because I knew you deserved it and in the process I realized I deserved it too. 

In the last 18 years we've encountered many obstacles which all eventually required us to rely fully on God.  We survived near death experiences, 31 brain surgeries, unforeseen tragedies, seizures, and heartache, but through it all that we've always had each other!

So as my one and only little man becomes an adult I want to say THANK YOU!  Thank you for changing my life and turning my world into the most amazing adventure I could have ever asked for.   Thank you for helping me grow into the woman and mother that you always needed me to be and patiently cheering me on.   So as we venture into the nest chapter of our lives, I will embrace the fond memories that we have shared while we prepare to create new ones.  Just know that you my love, always have been, and always will be THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS. 

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

As a teacher it is easy to become overwhelmed with paperwork, deadlines, challenging students and/or behaviors, and the overwhelming task of creating unique and engaging ideas to reach each and every child at their individual levels.  Today was one of those days that makes all the hard work worthwhile!  

One of my students who has struggled getting the concept of blending sounds together to make words, read her first word today. For most kids that's a simple task they learn in kindergarten, but for this student it was a milestone that I will forever be extremely proud of being a part of!!!!

Thursday, September 25, 2014

I had forgotten what it feels like to work with aggressive children, until about three weeks ago. It's heartbreaking because you know their little souls are just trying to cope with life the best way they can, but in the process you (the one person who wants to help them) becomes the target.  Somedays trying to not take the aggression or attacks personal can be extremely difficult.  Even when your logic knows that the behaviors are a manifestation of the disability. Lately I have been coming home exhausted, both physically and emotionally.  I give 150% to my kiddos and still it doesn't seem like it's enough some days.  I have watched my classroom fall apart as everyone in the room including the other students have been emotionally worn down by the current constant state of chaos in my room.  I am just seeking prayer for change and resolve for everyone involved. #onedayatatime #givingitalltoJESUS


Sunday, September 21, 2014

One of "those days"...

As I have begun the process of obtaining a lawyer and filing for guardianship for David, as a medically fragile adult (with a 3 year old mind), a lot of emotions have surfaced. That moment that you realize instead of helping your child apply for colleges, you're applying for guardianship from the state.   These are emotions us mommy’s tuck far away so we can survive.  Emotions I feel guilty for even feeling in the first place, but they are real emotions none the less.  The emotions are intense, my thoughts are deep, and often times I feel like only a mother in my same shoes can understand what "those days" feel like.  Emotions that I believe would offer the world a better understanding of special needs community, if only more of us enduring the struggle could find the strength to share our perspective.  This is what the world looks like from my end some days. 

Our world is changing and I don't know how to communicate what the pressure of these changes is doing to me.  My anxiety is high and my emotions are rampant, as I try to understand how I can embrace a new world of raising an adult child with disabilities.  The system I've spent 18 years mastering will now be an entirely different system, different insurance companies, billing, new doctors, and educational plans.    I am now faced with the daunting task of finding new providers and fighting for services while treading on unfamiliar territory.   Replacing the doctors who know my child inside and out and treated him his whole life, doctors who know my son’s potential, his needs, and his brain. 

Most days I embrace our life, but some days getting through it's rough. 362  days a year I feel so honored and fortunate for the life God chose us for, but even then it does not eliminate those couple days every year, those days that you know another year has gone by am still your child can not walk, he still in diapers, and he's 10 pounds heavier than the year before.  When I look at him my heart breaks because as I mother it is my job to fix things and something I just can’t fix.  I am helpless and those are the moments I have to cast my care upon the lord because my strength, even David’s strength is not enough.

Yesterday as I watched David struggle to adjust his lifeless legs so that he could move, and my heart immediately began to ache.  I spend my days working with special little people.  Believing in them and teaching them the tools they need to be successful in a world that is not made for people who are “different”.  As I look at David I wonder if I am failing my own child.  If I would have worked a little harder, just maybe things would be different.  If only I would have known then what I know now, maybe I could have had a greater impact on his life.  As David reaches adulthood I realize that, that small glimpse of hope, that little dream still inside of me that he might walk must die. 

I cannot fix him, I cannot make him better, and I can't make his legs work.  Most days I am able understand that this is all part of God’s perfect plan for our lives and I am assured that one day beyond this earth, God will grant me perfect understanding,  but there are still those few days that I just can't help to wonder how things could have been, would have  been different.  As David turns 18 I realize that there are some dreams I have had for us that need to be put to rest, so that God can revive new dreams, bigger and better dreams, but this still requires me to grieve.    It's not that I don't believe that God is able to make David’s body whole; it is just that he has already told me that's not part of his plan for us, and I trust God wholeheartedly. God’s  plan for us,  is to teach us how to love life anyway.  God continues to teach us how  to rise to the challenge, how to be strong and courageous and how to smile our way through things.   God is teaching us how to teach the world how real he is, because without God’s mercy and grace this journey would be too difficult to endure!!!

So although I am struggling through “one of those days” that I must grieve what will never be, I know that I would not trade David just how he is for ANYTHING in this world!

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Life is taking me on a very bumpy ride right now, and although I'm tired I still know this.... THE BEST IS YET TO COME!  Watch out Satan.  You might be able to rock the boat, but guess what... I know how to swim & God has already thrown me a life vest!!!

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

For the things I am yet to have…

For the mother I do not have, God has given me an exceptional spiritual mother (Joan). For the local family support system I do not have, God has given me a church family that has superseded my expectations.  For the sisters I never had the opportunity to grow up with, God gave me amazing friends and an amazing sister-in-law.(Carmen, Christina, Noel, Martha, and Dayna). 

For the additional children I'd like to have God gave me a classroom full of them, a church full of them, a world full of them, and beautiful nieces and nephews to share my love with . For the father David has not had the opportunity to have,  God has given us amazing men for him to look up to (Jeff, Jason, and Ed).

So what if the white picket fence I have always dreamed of, in all reality is a chain-link fence that keep the children I love at school safe and educated? What if the hero I have been waiting for to save me, showed up 17 years ago in the form of an innocent child who would teach me to love,  and show me how to be courageous and brave.  Just what if…  the night in shining armor I've been waiting for has already come in the form of the best soul mate a girl could ask for, a savior that would die for my sins. 

What if we are wasting so much time focusing on the things we are yet to have that we are not allowing ourselves to enjoy the things God has already given us????

God allows us to paint our own pictures and then when we are ready he comes in and makes those pictures masterpieces.

Food for thought!

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Another one of God's beautiful disasters ~ An update on my mother

Spain was a very scary and surreal experience.  After 16 hours of travel I checked into our hostel and then jump in a taxi to the women's prison.  Somehow the  paperwork was incorrect which caused a delay in our planned visit.  I ended up having to sit in the waiting area for almost two hours while they straightened things out.   I was so exhausted from my travels that I took the clothes I had brought for my mother and used them as a pillow to took a nap on the floor of the prison waiting room.

I'm generally pretty good with my Spanish, but I was exhausted from my travels, anxious, and extremely emotional which made understanding and/or communicate with the prison guards near impossible.  Once I was finally cleared for the visit I was escorted through the prison to the visiting center.  The walk seemed like miles, although it really was not that far.  The men’s prison is only separated from the women’s prison by a block wall so as I anxiously walked to see my mom all I could hear where male prisoners yelling out demeaning comments and making cat calls, which only intensified my anxiety.   After making it through several security check points I was brought into a  small room with a plastic table, four plastic chairs, and prisoner art work displayed on the walls.  I sat at the doorway anxiously waiting to see my mother for what felt like eternity, but then I was comforted by the sound of her voice.  At that point excitement and my emotions took over.   I could hear her speaking her broken Spanish as she was searched and then cleared through security.  As she walked through the doors neither of us could speak, we ran into each other’s arms and sat in the hallway embracing each other while sharing tears for at least five minutes before either of us could get any words out.  

Never in my life has a hug from my mother felt that good!  I wasn't sure what she would look like. I had been imaging our visits for a couple of months and had anticipated several potential outcomes.   What would my mother look like after spending 6 months in an international prison? had the cancer taken a toll on her, would she be consumed with sadness, or look very sickly?  I was pleasantly surprised by her appearance, she looked much better than I had anticipated. She had lost tons of weight and for the first time in many years,  she had a genuine smile on her face!  She wasn't just okay she was great!

As our visits continued I realized how much God was working through what looked and felt like a tragedy in our lives.  The truth be told, had my mom not gone to prison she would've probably never become the mother I needed her to be and had she not gotten cancer, I would've never been willing or able to forgive her and embrace the idea of a relationship between us.

For the first time since I had found out that my mother had landed herself in prison in Spain, I was able to see God in the midst of the entire situation.  Prior to prison my mom was slowly killing herself and the stress of trying to make her aware of what she was doing to herself was taking a toll on our relationship and me.

Now that my mom is in prison everything she does is regulated.  All the demons she had battled for decades were locked out by prison walls.   She is no longer able to  establish unhealthy relationships online, she no longer has access to  foods that she was addicted that were slowly  killing her, she is not able to isolate herself, and all the distractions like the computer and TV that have kept her from drawing closer to God are no longer a factor.  All the things she used to cope with her lifetime of pain have been removed so that now the only thing she can rely on to fix her broken heart is Jesus.

The truth is never, in my life have I seen my mom so healthy,  emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  She has lost almost 50lbs, her blood sugar is not under control, and her perspective on life has drastically changed.  The doctors think that the cancer had been there for at least several months.  Had she been diagnosed with cancer in the states her treatment would've cost her thousands of dollars she didn't have.  In addition to the financial aspect  my mother was a no condition to survive cancer or surgery in her state of health.  Ironically, in many ways been in prison-ed has saved my mom's life.   Most likely my mom went to Spain with cancer that had not yet been diagnosed.  Although she still is struggling with some medical issues she is 50 pounds lighter, has discovered her value, and found her drive to fight for life.

Not only has his experience changed my mother but it is also changed my own outlook. I know the word of God says that  he who started a good work will be faithful to complete it, but I guess I had lost hope in my mother.  God has once again proved that this is true, not just in my own life, but also for those that I love.

“ And I am sure of this, that he who began ha good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”  (Philippians 1:6. 6)

Sometimes I feel like life has crucified me time and time again.   I have often questioned God on why I have personally experienced so much tragedy and trauma in my life.   Most of it has been out of my control and those who know me intimately know how hard my life has been to endure and what a toll it has taken on me at times, but at the end of the day my life proves how real God is.  It's hard to see what good could come from our Lord and Savior, a pure and innocent man, being subjected to such pain and torcher.  But as the story unfolds you are able to understand that Jesus being crucified was what had to happen for this world to be saved!  When I reflect back on my own life and the moments I felt like I was being “crucified” for no fault of my own, I realize that even Jesus (a sin free man)  had to be crucified for our salvation.   I am not trying to compare myself to Jesus, yet compare the idea that it is hard to gain an understanding of situations and/or circumstance that seem traumatic, unfair, and painful until the full story unfolds.

With God his crucifixion lasted one day, but the power of focus on his story is in his resurrection which will last for eternity!  Every time my journey hits trial and tragedy God never fails to resurrect something new within me.  This time he resurrected compassion and understanding for the one person I have struggle my whole life to relate to, my mother.  He also resurrected an understanding from the core of my soul that he is the great I AM and with him I am able to find value in myself to know that as my story unfolds I will discover his purpose for me and the calling he has placed on my life.   I have found faith within myself to know without any doubt that I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me!

“For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.”  (Philippians 4:13)

I would like to extend my sincere appreciation for everyone who showed me
compassion and support through this extremely difficult time for our family.  Just know that my mom is doing amazing, she's finally able to get healthy in every aspect of her life and I know that God will continue to do a great work in her.  My mother has found great favor in the prison, everyone including the inmates take very good care of her, despite a few complications and all odds her surgery was a success, and she is on her way to a full recovery.  She is also leading a Bible study in the prison and being used by God to bring women to Christ, and most importantly she has finally found the ability to love herself!

I guess this whole experience is just another one of God's beautiful disasters!

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Thanks for your faithful prayers!

Today I got information from the US Embassy.  My  mother was operated on Monday, June 9thThere was a bleeding complication, but shortly resolved.  Today, she is doing very well after yesterday’s surgery.   The Prison’s Medical Assistant Director believes she will most likely stay in the hospital until next Monday, June 16th.

Friday, May 30, 2014

I am so fortunate to have such phenomenal best friends who always come to my rescue. Last night they showed up and we broke bread, shared laughs, tears, and best of all we shared our love and support for one another!

Sometimes no matter how difficult life may be that's all you need to see the upside of things.  

I must say I think the funniest story of the night is me recapping my crybaby experience at the bank.  I was trying to explain to the banker that I needed my documents ASAP and didn't have time (5-7 days) because I was about to leave for Europe to go see my mother, who is in prison with cancer (like that's all normal). Just as he looked up from his computer like OMG what do I do next, the tears began pouring down my cheeks.  In the background there was this very loud drilling noise that was making my anxiety even worse then it already was.  Then in the middle of my meltdown I wiped my tears, looked at him and said "do you really work with this noise all day" and then I began crying again.  

You must've thought I was crazy and at that point I was!  Lol

Moral of the story... God, good friends and laughter fixes almost everything.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

I feel like I'm losing an internal battle with my emotions, they'recurrently winning and I'm falling to pieces!

I've been coping with things the best I know how and that is  just pushing forward full force. Perfect idea... I'll buy a new house.  That will give me something positive to focus on and keep my mind from racing, and that it did, until I hit a brick wall and was forced to face my realities.   I realized after I couldn't hold back tears at the bank. it's not about faxes not going through, emails not being received, figuring out my income for the summer, or any of those minute factors.  

On Saturday I will be leaving my baby boy for the longest time I've ever left him (knowing he is still having swallowing issues), to go visit my mother in prison!  I will be limited to three 2 hour visits.   I will have to ask a prison guard for permission to hug her, hold her, or interact with her in anyway. In 10 days she will be having a high-risk surgery that could possibly take her life.  I know everyone wants to comfort me, but it is much easier to say it's going to be ok, then it is to convince my emotions of that.  

I learned to quit questioning God "why" even though my mind still sometimes takes me to those places.  Why.., because I'm chosen and have a calling on my life.  Why?  Does not matter right now. How? is the bigger question.  Only by the grace of God and with the help of his everlasting strength will I pull through this!  

Monday, May 19, 2014

I am Dreaming BIG and faithfully believing!

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

I have been looking for a bigger house for quite some time. I would like to move and settle in to a home that David and I can be in for the rest of our lives. It has been a long hard road for us and I am at a place in my life that I am eagerly seeking being “settled”. Although this house is more space than we need now, if I get the family my heart desires this home is just PERFECT! I'm looking for a house we can call home for the rest of our lives. It even has a pool which would be great for David's therapy. 

I plan to put an offer on the house in the next month.  In order to qualify I would have to get the home at a much lower price than the seller currently has it listed for.  I do not want to offend the seller with my offer, but getting it reduce it the only way I will be able to qualify so I am just praying for favor.  Although it's a dream that seems out of reach at the moments I know God is always provided for us and miraculous ways so I'm still believing that this is a dream that can come true for us! I envision a home we could host youth events, care for more children of my own, foster babies. and more. NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR THE GOD I SERVE!

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

This is a test, only a test!

I woke up to a call from the US Embassy this morning. I still don't know much more than I already knew, but it was a relief to talk to someone who had more connections to my mom and her medical staff than I do. Surgery has not yet been scheduled and she saw the judge today. It is a Holiday is Spain so unfortunately I will have to wait until Monday to find out more about my mothers court hearing and medical condition. 

I got to spend the day with my fabulous students who always put a smile on my face and David has gotten through the day without chocking. After work I inquired about my current contract to find out that the district is only giving our school funding for 4 special education position.   This may leave me in the same position I fought so hard to get out of the first two quarters (kindergarten - 5th grade self-contained). This means I might have to go back to the drawing board as far as employment for next year, if I can not get the issue resolved with the district. For now if I can't change it I am just going to breath, survive everyday, and hope for the best with a backup plan set in place. ‪  #‎onedayatatime ‪#‎Godsgotthis‪#‎hissmilewillcontinuetokeepmegoing

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

In the last couple of weeks fear, the pressure of life, loss, discouragement, anxiety, and defeat have taken over.  I cannot deny the fact that we've been knocked down quite a lot in life, sometimes it feels that we're knocked down so hard we can't get back up, but the truth is we always do get back up.  We get back up stronger, braver, and more courageous than the time before. NEVER has God EVER failed or abandoned us! 

Sometimes it feels like we have been knocked down far more than most people, but I also realize that God has graciously come down and embraced us in our darkest moments.   It has allowed me the opportunity to know Jesus on a much deeper level than most can ever understand. I needed  some time to away from it all to be reminded of what our journey is all about and although it sucks sometimes to know that I was chosen for this journey that has been long and hard it's also an extreme honor to know that God believes in me and knows that we can do this.  

I still believe THE BEST IS YET TO COME.  Not cancer, death, loss, any medical issue, or any obstacle can take that from us! Satan get behind me because there's no room for you in our lives. We are going to do big things and make a huge impact in this world and not you or any circumstance can get in our way or change that!  Thank you to all my faithful friends who have encouraged us through our lowest points  and prayed us back to our feet!   

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us".  Romans 8:37

In the last couple of weeks fear, the pressure of life, loss, discouragement, anxiety, and defeat have taken over.  I cannot deny the fact that we've been knocked down quite a lot in life, sometimes it feels that we're knocked down so hard we can't get back up, but the truth is we always do get back up.  We get back up stronger, braver, and more courageous than the time before. NEVER has God EVER failed or abandoned us! Sometimes it feels like we have been knocked down far more than most people, but I also realize that God has graciously come down and embraced us in our darkest moments.   It has allowed me the opportunity to know Jesus on a much deeper level than most can ever understand. I needed  some time to away from it all to be reminded of what our journey is all about and although it sucks sometimes to know that I was chosen for this journey that has been long and hard it's also an extreme honor to know that God believes in me and knows that we can do this.  I still believe THE BEST IS YET TO COME.  Not cancer, deaths, loss, or any medical issue can take that from us! Satan get behind me because there's no room for you in our lives. We are going to do big things and make a huge impact in this world and not you or any circumstance can get in our way or change that!  Thank you to all my faithful friends who have encouraged us through our lowest points  and prayed us back to our feet!   

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Romans 8:37

Monday, April 28, 2014

David just got back from getting a CT scans and X-ray's and so far so good.  I know people are worried about us, but as crazy as it sounds we are doing great.  Being in the hospital is a nice little break from our reality.  Especially because it is nothing serious. I am able slow down, breath, and do what I do best, be a mommy!  David and I are cuddling and enjoying each other with no distractions and not a worry in the world.  We are sharing a feeling of comfort that I have desperately needed all week! 

The speech pathologist from David school just called because David had yet another scary choking incident. They do not feel that they can safely administer his feeds at school.  We are now on our way to Phoenix Children's Hospital to hopefully get answers and a new feeding plan.

I cannot even begin to wrap my thoughts around our current situation. If God needs me broken I  am, if he wants me to surrender I don't have the strength to do anything but cry out on my knees,  ENOUGH ALREADY!!! 

The speech pathologist from David school just called because David had yet another scary choking incident. They do not feel that they can safely administer his feeds at school.  We are now on our way to Phoenix Children's Hospital to hopefully get answers and a new feeding plan.

I cannot even begin to wrap my thoughts around our current situation. If God needs me broken I  am, if he wants me to surrender I don't have the strength to do anything but cry out on my knees,  ENOUGH ALREADY!!! 

Sunday, April 27, 2014

I don't want to wake up and face tomorrow, but not facing life is not an option.  From what I understand the prison has been trying to find the best possible hospital to perform my mothers surgery because of the high risk involved.  At this point I don't know when, where, or even what the surgery will entail.  I am going to try get some rest, but rest has not come easy lately.  

I have spent the last week anxiously starring at my phone hoping to get answers, but dreading the possibility that at any moment I could get "the call".  The same call I got when my dad passed. A one minute call that forever changed my  life.  A call that informs you that life as you know it will be forever change, happy moments will now hurt, as you try and survive life with a gaping whole in the center of your heart. I have done this way too many times to survive doing this again.   

Every breath I take hurts! I am trying everything humanly possible to cling to my faith, but there are some moments that every ounce of sanity I have left seems to  quickly drift right through my finger tips.  Jesus I know you are there and I know you hear my cries so I am begging you please help me with this pain!!!!!  Please Lord if your will is not for her to survive this please at least allow me the opportunity to make this right and give me the strength to survive this without her.  

Saturday, April 26, 2014


I can not cry this away, shop this away, clean this away, sleep this away, or even pray this away!  It is an ongoing nightmare! Pain is eating my from the inside out!  All BS aside I just want to hold her and tell her I forgive her.  I let my hurt feelings get the best of me and now I might not ever get the chance to tell her how much she really means to me.  Her desperation for love landed her in jail and now she could possibly die there alone, never knowing how much love she has at home praying for her safe return.  I don't want to have to spend Mother's Day and Father's Day crying over letters with their last words because that is all I have left.  I hate life almost as much as I hate death right now!!! I can't take much more of this!!!  ;(

I'm too broken right now to try and hide or sugar coat things so here it is...  My mom has been in Prison in Madrid Spain since November.  I have been extremely angry with her over her bad decisions which left me feeling very abandoned.  Our contact has been very limited due to the circumstance.  Last week I found out that she was diagnosed with cancer, but because I can not just pick up the phone and call her I had very few details and was left with many questions.  I have tried to survive in denial while I got through some other crisis currently going on in our lives, but today reality slapped me in the face!!!  I now know that the Cancer is wide spread and because of all of her other medical issues, she is at a very high risk of not surviving the surgery.  I had to decide what I wanted to do with her body and I haven't even been able to talk to her yet.

Please don't tell me to trust God and/or please don't tell me to just focus on the positive because if it was that easy I would not be feeling this heart wrenching pain right now!!! What we need right now is prayer for either healing or for strength to carry us through.

I don't want to bury my last living parent, my son's only grandparent.  I don't want to hear from the US Embassy that my mother is withering away in a jail cell in a foreign country all alone!  

I'm pissed off, broken, tired, and feeling defeated!!! 

Friday, April 25, 2014

I just want to throw my face into a pillow and cry until I can't cry anymore!  I want to scream and yell at the world about how unfair life can be sometimes.  I'm angry, I'm sad, and I'm extremely weak right now. I don't want to be a superhero or that supermom that everyone admires.  Right now I just need to be human.  I just need people to understand that I'm broken.  I need people to see that no matter how strong they may perceive me to be, I too get tired and  I feel pain just like everyone else.   I don't want to be that strong woman who always gets right back up.  I want to just sit on the floor and kick and scream for a while first!!! I have faith, I am positive, and I know my God is bigger than my current situation, but none of that changes the fact 
that life hurts right now!!!!