Saturday, March 1, 2014

Let’s be real…

With all my friends having big moments here lately I feel like I've been lost, wondering what's next for David and I.  I wonder when we will have the opportunity to live our own dreams, instead of being happy for those around us. I am extremely happy for those that I love, but I must be honest with myself and there is a part of me that feels like we are being left behind.   When I use to imagine my life, never did I think that at 34 I would be single with only one child?  My plan was to have been rescued by a knight in shining armor, have 10+ little ones running around the house, and a white picket fence to top the cake. 

I often wonder if I have become complacent.  I wonder if David and I will ever get to live our own dreams out or if our excitement will be watching everybody else live them.  I have tried to transfer my undying faith in God to my thoughts in this area of my life, as it has gotten us through every other challenge we have endured, but often my demons convince me that still being alone is a reflection of my value.  As those thoughts start to consume me I am quickly reminded that the devil is a LIAR.    

Subtly God allows me to reflect on our journey from another perspective.  Although, I am unmarried with only one child I have been entrusted with an angel.  I am educated, ambitious, and God has granted me the strength to achieve things in my lifetime that most people do not have the opportunity to do in 60 years, with a partner, and/or healthy children. 
With everything in perspective I begin to reflect on our journey through God’s eyes.  I quickly realize that although I might not yet be where I planned to be at this point in my life, I am a lot further along than I often give myself credit for. 

Looking back at my blog post from only two years ago I immediately become humbled by all the work God has continued to do in our lives.    As I read through the post I remember my desperate pleas for prayers, hoping my son would wake up and take a breath on his own.  I remember my intimate conversations with God promising that I would go without anything for the rest of my life, just to have that one thing that matters,   my precious son alive and well.   Sometimes God's plans for us are much different than our own, but that just means God has bigger and better plans.  Looking back I thank God for all of the answered and unanswered prayers.  I understand why things I prayed to work out did not and I know that Gods purpose for us is bigger than I can even imagine. 

One thing that I KNOW…  wedding or no wedding, babies or no babies, financially prosperous or broke, God is alive in me and our lives are a testament of his grace and mercy.   I will continue to patiently wait for God’s plan for us to be fulfilled because even if his timing is different than my own, his power and plans are worth the wait!!!!!

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