Wednesday, April 30, 2014

This is a test, only a test!

I woke up to a call from the US Embassy this morning. I still don't know much more than I already knew, but it was a relief to talk to someone who had more connections to my mom and her medical staff than I do. Surgery has not yet been scheduled and she saw the judge today. It is a Holiday is Spain so unfortunately I will have to wait until Monday to find out more about my mothers court hearing and medical condition. 



I got to spend the day with my fabulous students who always put a smile on my face and David has gotten through the day without chocking. After work I inquired about my current contract to find out that the district is only giving our school funding for 4 special education position.   This may leave me in the same position I fought so hard to get out of the first two quarters (kindergarten - 5th grade self-contained). This means I might have to go back to the drawing board as far as employment for next year, if I can not get the issue resolved with the district. For now if I can't change it I am just going to breath, survive everyday, and hope for the best with a backup plan set in place. ‪  #‎onedayatatime ‪#‎Godsgotthis‪#‎hissmilewillcontinuetokeepmegoing

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

In the last couple of weeks fear, the pressure of life, loss, discouragement, anxiety, and defeat have taken over.  I cannot deny the fact that we've been knocked down quite a lot in life, sometimes it feels that we're knocked down so hard we can't get back up, but the truth is we always do get back up.  We get back up stronger, braver, and more courageous than the time before. NEVER has God EVER failed or abandoned us! 


Sometimes it feels like we have been knocked down far more than most people, but I also realize that God has graciously come down and embraced us in our darkest moments.   It has allowed me the opportunity to know Jesus on a much deeper level than most can ever understand. I needed  some time to away from it all to be reminded of what our journey is all about and although it sucks sometimes to know that I was chosen for this journey that has been long and hard it's also an extreme honor to know that God believes in me and knows that we can do this.  


I still believe THE BEST IS YET TO COME.  Not cancer, death, loss, any medical issue, or any obstacle can take that from us! Satan get behind me because there's no room for you in our lives. We are going to do big things and make a huge impact in this world and not you or any circumstance can get in our way or change that!  Thank you to all my faithful friends who have encouraged us through our lowest points  and prayed us back to our feet!   


"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us".  Romans 8:37

In the last couple of weeks fear, the pressure of life, loss, discouragement, anxiety, and defeat have taken over.  I cannot deny the fact that we've been knocked down quite a lot in life, sometimes it feels that we're knocked down so hard we can't get back up, but the truth is we always do get back up.  We get back up stronger, braver, and more courageous than the time before. NEVER has God EVER failed or abandoned us! Sometimes it feels like we have been knocked down far more than most people, but I also realize that God has graciously come down and embraced us in our darkest moments.   It has allowed me the opportunity to know Jesus on a much deeper level than most can ever understand. I needed  some time to away from it all to be reminded of what our journey is all about and although it sucks sometimes to know that I was chosen for this journey that has been long and hard it's also an extreme honor to know that God believes in me and knows that we can do this.  I still believe THE BEST IS YET TO COME.  Not cancer, deaths, loss, or any medical issue can take that from us! Satan get behind me because there's no room for you in our lives. We are going to do big things and make a huge impact in this world and not you or any circumstance can get in our way or change that!  Thank you to all my faithful friends who have encouraged us through our lowest points  and prayed us back to our feet!   

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Romans 8:37

Monday, April 28, 2014

David just got back from getting a CT scans and X-ray's and so far so good.  I know people are worried about us, but as crazy as it sounds we are doing great.  Being in the hospital is a nice little break from our reality.  Especially because it is nothing serious. I am able slow down, breath, and do what I do best, be a mommy!  David and I are cuddling and enjoying each other with no distractions and not a worry in the world.  We are sharing a feeling of comfort that I have desperately needed all week! 

The speech pathologist from David school just called because David had yet another scary choking incident. They do not feel that they can safely administer his feeds at school.  We are now on our way to Phoenix Children's Hospital to hopefully get answers and a new feeding plan.


I cannot even begin to wrap my thoughts around our current situation. If God needs me broken I  am, if he wants me to surrender I don't have the strength to do anything but cry out on my knees,  ENOUGH ALREADY!!! 

The speech pathologist from David school just called because David had yet another scary choking incident. They do not feel that they can safely administer his feeds at school.  We are now on our way to Phoenix Children's Hospital to hopefully get answers and a new feeding plan.


I cannot even begin to wrap my thoughts around our current situation. If God needs me broken I  am, if he wants me to surrender I don't have the strength to do anything but cry out on my knees,  ENOUGH ALREADY!!! 

Sunday, April 27, 2014

I don't want to wake up and face tomorrow, but not facing life is not an option.  From what I understand the prison has been trying to find the best possible hospital to perform my mothers surgery because of the high risk involved.  At this point I don't know when, where, or even what the surgery will entail.  I am going to try get some rest, but rest has not come easy lately.  

I have spent the last week anxiously starring at my phone hoping to get answers, but dreading the possibility that at any moment I could get "the call".  The same call I got when my dad passed. A one minute call that forever changed my  life.  A call that informs you that life as you know it will be forever change, happy moments will now hurt, as you try and survive life with a gaping whole in the center of your heart. I have done this way too many times to survive doing this again.   

Every breath I take hurts! I am trying everything humanly possible to cling to my faith, but there are some moments that every ounce of sanity I have left seems to  quickly drift right through my finger tips.  Jesus I know you are there and I know you hear my cries so I am begging you please help me with this pain!!!!!  Please Lord if your will is not for her to survive this please at least allow me the opportunity to make this right and give me the strength to survive this without her.  

Saturday, April 26, 2014

I AM NOT OK!!!

I can not cry this away, shop this away, clean this away, sleep this away, or even pray this away!  It is an ongoing nightmare! Pain is eating my from the inside out!  All BS aside I just want to hold her and tell her I forgive her.  I let my hurt feelings get the best of me and now I might not ever get the chance to tell her how much she really means to me.  Her desperation for love landed her in jail and now she could possibly die there alone, never knowing how much love she has at home praying for her safe return.  I don't want to have to spend Mother's Day and Father's Day crying over letters with their last words because that is all I have left.  I hate life almost as much as I hate death right now!!! I can't take much more of this!!!  ;(

I'm too broken right now to try and hide or sugar coat things so here it is...  My mom has been in Prison in Madrid Spain since November.  I have been extremely angry with her over her bad decisions which left me feeling very abandoned.  Our contact has been very limited due to the circumstance.  Last week I found out that she was diagnosed with cancer, but because I can not just pick up the phone and call her I had very few details and was left with many questions.  I have tried to survive in denial while I got through some other crisis currently going on in our lives, but today reality slapped me in the face!!!  I now know that the Cancer is wide spread and because of all of her other medical issues, she is at a very high risk of not surviving the surgery.  I had to decide what I wanted to do with her body and I haven't even been able to talk to her yet.


Please don't tell me to trust God and/or please don't tell me to just focus on the positive because if it was that easy I would not be feeling this heart wrenching pain right now!!! What we need right now is prayer for either healing or for strength to carry us through.


I don't want to bury my last living parent, my son's only grandparent.  I don't want to hear from the US Embassy that my mother is withering away in a jail cell in a foreign country all alone!  


I'm pissed off, broken, tired, and feeling defeated!!! 

Friday, April 25, 2014


I just want to throw my face into a pillow and cry until I can't cry anymore!  I want to scream and yell at the world about how unfair life can be sometimes.  I'm angry, I'm sad, and I'm extremely weak right now. I don't want to be a superhero or that supermom that everyone admires.  Right now I just need to be human.  I just need people to understand that I'm broken.  I need people to see that no matter how strong they may perceive me to be, I too get tired and  I feel pain just like everyone else.   I don't want to be that strong woman who always gets right back up.  I want to just sit on the floor and kick and scream for a while first!!! I have faith, I am positive, and I know my God is bigger than my current situation, but none of that changes the fact 
that life hurts right now!!!!  


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

I would like to wish my father a Happy birthday, but the truth is now that he's passed his birthday seen to be filled with much more sadness than happiness. 

I know people are well-intentioned  when they say  "he is with you in spirit" or "he is looking down on you". I hope that's so, but that doesn't change the sad reality that he is not physically here. He is not able to wipe my tears, hug me a hard day, or help me laugh  my way through crisis. Unfortunately people's kind words doesn't make life without him hurt any less.

Daddy  I hope that you're in heaven running, jumping, playing practical jokes,  and doing all the things you're body didn't allow you to do on earth anymore. Just know that there's not a day or second that goes by that I don't miss and think of you. 


I try to cope the best I can, but losing your best friend and father all at the same time is far too difficult to swallow on days like today!  Since you are and not physically here to share my adventures with, I take you along for the ride.  So far you've been to Puerto Rico, Brazil, Honduras, and you even made it to both of my Masters graduation ceremonies!  

I take after you and I'm a pretty tough cookie so I know I'll somehow managed to get through the day, even if I do it with a very heavy heart!  I love you to infinity and beyond!

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

As I sat in my car broken and overwhelmed I cried out to Jesus. I pleaded for confirmation that I'm headed in the right direction and on the right path. Five minutes into my drive to church I get a phone call that was just as clear as Jesus whispering in my ear, keep on pushing forward, I'm here! — feeling determined.