Saturday, April 26, 2014

I'm too broken right now to try and hide or sugar coat things so here it is...  My mom has been in Prison in Madrid Spain since November.  I have been extremely angry with her over her bad decisions which left me feeling very abandoned.  Our contact has been very limited due to the circumstance.  Last week I found out that she was diagnosed with cancer, but because I can not just pick up the phone and call her I had very few details and was left with many questions.  I have tried to survive in denial while I got through some other crisis currently going on in our lives, but today reality slapped me in the face!!!  I now know that the Cancer is wide spread and because of all of her other medical issues, she is at a very high risk of not surviving the surgery.  I had to decide what I wanted to do with her body and I haven't even been able to talk to her yet.

Please don't tell me to trust God and/or please don't tell me to just focus on the positive because if it was that easy I would not be feeling this heart wrenching pain right now!!! What we need right now is prayer for either healing or for strength to carry us through.

I don't want to bury my last living parent, my son's only grandparent.  I don't want to hear from the US Embassy that my mother is withering away in a jail cell in a foreign country all alone!  

I'm pissed off, broken, tired, and feeling defeated!!! 

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