Thursday, May 29, 2014
I feel like I'm losing an internal battle with my emotions, they'recurrently winning and I'm falling to pieces!
I've been coping with things the best I know how and that is just pushing forward full force. Perfect idea... I'll buy a new house. That will give me something positive to focus on and keep my mind from racing, and that it did, until I hit a brick wall and was forced to face my realities. I realized after I couldn't hold back tears at the bank. it's not about faxes not going through, emails not being received, figuring out my income for the summer, or any of those minute factors.
On Saturday I will be leaving my baby boy for the longest time I've ever left him (knowing he is still having swallowing issues), to go visit my mother in prison! I will be limited to three 2 hour visits. I will have to ask a prison guard for permission to hug her, hold her, or interact with her in anyway. In 10 days she will be having a high-risk surgery that could possibly take her life. I know everyone wants to comfort me, but it is much easier to say it's going to be ok, then it is to convince my emotions of that.
I learned to quit questioning God "why" even though my mind still sometimes takes me to those places. Why.., because I'm chosen and have a calling on my life. Why? Does not matter right now. How? is the bigger question. Only by the grace of God and with the help of his everlasting strength will I pull through this!