Vacation recap….

If you are a parent, whether your child is typical or has disabilities you will understand that vacation is never really a vacation for us parents.  We are busy trying to make sure everyone is happy, everything goes as planned, that we manage to stay on budget and on time, etc….   I knew this vacation would be no different.  I knew it would require a lot of work and effort on my part, but my intentions for this vacation were to bond with David.  It was my way of expressing to him how truly special he is to me.  Goal number one was to make lasting memory.

There are a lot of things that I've been struggling with and this trip was a way for me to get away, come to terms with a few things, regroup, focus, and come back together. Despite what some may think I am human, I have my struggles and fare share of melt downs.   

I booked and paid for this trip over two years ago.  It was a promotional packaged deal where you paid a lower price for the package, but had to sit through a time share presentation.  Right before the trip I discovered that there were all these additional unexpected charges for the vacation and when it was actually time to take the trip nothing had been as promised.  I reminded myself that this trip was about memories and that David and I were both capable of making amazing memories together regardless of minor setbacks, so we attempted to laughed about things and continue on.  That was until we woke up on Christmas and found out that we could not get in to Disney World.   

How our trip began… We  flew into Florida on Christmas eve, had a nice little dinner, and then went to bed early so that we were well rested for our surprise adventure the following day.  I had planned to surprise David by waking him up on Christmas morning with a Mickey Mouse doll.  I had purchased us both Disney attire and after we were both dressed and ready we got in the car and headed to Disney World.   I didn't think that everyone else would have the same bright idea about spending their Christmas in Disney World.  As we approached the entrance we noticed that traffic was backed up for miles.  We anxiously waited approximately two hours and when we finally reached the parking entrance we were informed that the park was at maximum capacity and they were no longer letting people in.   I was devastated!!!!   I know to most people it seemed as if I was being over dramatic over something simple, but at the time it felt as if all our vacation and Christmas plans came crashing down.   I had planned this for so long, the trip had so much sentemental value and I had so much emotinally invested in the idea of the opportunity to give David this incredible surprise on Christmas morning.    I felt like I sucked as a mother.  Here I was trying to give him this spectacular Christmas gift for fighting for his life, for being the amazing spirited young man that he is and here we were thousands of miles away from our family, I had no gifts for him but our Disney tickets, and everything around us was closed.   I can laugh about it now, but in that moment my disappointment had succumb me.   For the record although, I spent all day crying over not getting into to the park David never cared! Lol

My meltdown was about far more than Disney World. That was just my excuse to finally break down, have a much needed cry, and get over it.   It was that I miss my father,  I miss what little family I have (who are out of state), I wish I had a partner and more kids to share the holidays with, and I am at a point in my life where I want to start a family that consist of more than just David and I.  Not that David is not enough, it is just that we have fought long and hard and we are both ready for more. 

After spending Christmas day hugging my son and being a big fat cry baby I got over it.   I have always said the great thing about life is everyday you wake up with a “do over”.  So we decide to pretend that Christmas was the day after instead. Things did not necessarily go as I had planned on this trip, but I know they went as God planned. Hindsight is always 2020 and after I got over not getting in to the park on Christmas day, I realize we wouldn't have wanted to deal with the Christmas crowds with a dog and a wheelchair anyways. 

Walt Disney World was amazing, but it was extremely difficult having to take David in and out of his chair and lift him onto every ride.  I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to get through crowds in the wheelchair and last time we did Disney he did not weigh as much so the lifting was more intense than I had anticipated this trip.  Lifting 95 pounds on and off every single ride we went on took a toll on me.  There were a few disappointments in the park, but nothing we could not manage.  Our absolute favorite ride is the Peter Pan.  For some reason the thought of Never Land makes me feel like I can escape to a happy place (at least for a few minutes on the ride).   When we got to the ride were told that Peter Pan was no longer wheelchair accessible and that David could not ride even if I was willing to carry him on.   I understood their reasoning and the man kindly explained that for whatever reason there had been several previous accidents/injuries that lead to the decision to no longer have that particular ride accessible, but it still sucked just the same.   Once again that darn wheelchair prevented us from another thing we enjoyed. We ended our Disney experience meeting the characters which David thoroughly enjoyed.  He still loves the Princesses!

Our next stop was our cruise to the Bahamas.   As we prepared to check in the agent looks down and says “oh we don’t have here that you have a wheelchair” I replied well we do and she goes on to tell me that since that was not mentioned when the cruse was booked there was nothing that they could do.  I explained that the trip was booked by a third party who was well aware of our situation and who assured me that the appropriate accommodations would be made and all the cruse agent could say was “sorry that did not happen”.  So since the third-party agent did not inform them that we needed a wheelchair accessible room one was not saved for us and now there were no longer any available. The lady instructed me that I would just have to simply carry him in and out of the room.   Again his darn wheelchair was interfering with our life. 

My eyes began to well up with tears and I could not even speak.   Good thing because if I could have I would have probably screamed “JUST carry him, JUST lift 95lbs over my 125lb shoulder and carry him on a moving ship, JUST lift him after a day of lifting him 100 times at Disney!”  The poor agent really had no clue what I was going through.  I was physically exhausted, tired of lifting, and just overwhelmed.  I was frustrated with the wheelchair slowing us down and continuously creating obstacles for us,  and I was sick of people thinking that I could SIMPLY do anything because everything for us takes extra strength, strategy,  extra planning, extra effort, and extra work. 

Frustrated and overwhelmed, I proceed to the room and when I got to the door and realized how narrow the doorway and the room was and I just lost it.   It was apparent that I was going to have to literally carry David over my shoulder in and out of our room on a moving cruise ship.   I was already physically exhausted and all I could do was sit in the hallway and cry.   A poor passenger who witnessed my meltdown asked if there was anything she could do to help and I informed her that all I needed was a good hard cry and I would get over it. I didn't want anything to take from these moments with David and I didn't want this incredible experience to be robbed from us and so I put on my big girl panties, threw David over my shoulder, and carried him in the room.

The following day the ship ported in the Bahamas.  Again, I had to lift David out of his wheelchair, put him over my shoulder, and climb upstairs to get on the bus that was taking us to the beach and dolphin encounter.  The lifting and dealing with the wheelchair was not anything I am not use to.  It wasn't a big deal, but watching other families made me realize how complicated it really is for us to do things that are so simple for others.   Once we got to the Bahamas I decided that I wanted to take David to the beach.  I have always heard of how beautiful their beaches were and how blue the water was, but to get David there would be challenging.  In order for me to be able to take David into the same beach that we could see other kids running around on I had to abandon his wheelchairs, lift him over my shoulder, and walked almost a block in sand with him on my back.  I'm not complaining, I will happily make the sacrifices necessary so that David can have the same experiences other children have.  What scares me is that as he grows my ability to make things happen has become increasingly more difficult!

I do fear the day that David becomes too heavy for me to put him over my shoulder.   I wonder what will happen when there are more limits placed on us because of David’s disabilities. For the longest time I have made great efforts to make sure that I compensated for David’s disabilities.  I would lift, drag, pull, do whatever necessary so that he was not left out.  Now days it seems like my ability to prevent that is not as simple as it used to be when he was smaller.  I hate being left out, I hate the thought that David’s disability, wheelchair, or condition might keep us from having the life that most people take for granted  every day.  I'm not trying to be a ungrateful because I love our life,  I just hate that we are at a point in our lives that giving David (the love of my life and my only child)  the same experiences and opportunities as non-disabled children seems out of my control.

I hate being misunderstood, I hate people thinking I'm being a crybaby, or complaining when they have no idea how much I internally struggle with  before I finally break and/or have a meltdown.

Many things were accomplished on this trip.  We definitely made unforgettable memories.  David swimming and interacting with the dolphins was priceless and the highlight of our trip.  Mommy letting go of the fact that I cannot control everything and realizing that God is going to have to carry us when it is no longer physically possible for me to carry David was a realization I have needed to come to for some time.   As hectic, stressful, and physically demanding as this vacation was, it was amazing.  It was a blessing and it allowed me to come to terms with some unresolved issues in my life (both positive and negative) that I have needed to resolve in order to begin 2013 off right!

Cheers to what is in store for us!

This last year has been an extremely challenging year for us. We have experienced some of our greatest highs and encountered some of our greatest lows. I'm still trying to wrap my thoughts around 2012, but one thing I do understand is that God has been present through it all.

Moving forward I'm excited to see what's in store for us in 2013.

I'm ready to embrace this journey with God being our pilot and David being the most amazing wingman I could ever have!

Happy New Years Eve... Cheers to many blessings and a year filled with memories and experiences beyond our wildest dreams!!!

•*¨*•.¸ ¸ Happy New Years to you & yours •*¨*•.¸ ¸. May 2013 be your best year yet! •*¨*•.¸ ¸.

I'm in aww of my Son David!!! I see hope in his bright eyes, I find peace in his smile, love in his laughter, and faith in every breath that he takes! David is my World and I find purpose in my life through his.

Our life's might be a bit complicated from time to time, but that's what makes us the dynamic duo that we are! I am so very thankful that God chose us to help prove how real God is and that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIST!



His Smile Truly Does Keep me Going & I know it blesses others as well!

I have been planning and saving for this trip for months. It was a desperate attempt to get away. I needed a break, to be removed from our environment so that I could slow down, breath, and take time to celebrate and appreciate my son's life. I had the entire trip planned out in my head. I would wake David up with a kiss and a Mickey Mouse doll I had gotten him. Then I would get him dressed in his Disney attired and we would spend the day in Disney World enjoying the rides, characters, lights, music, and most importantly each other! I didn't plan on Disney World being full and everything else around us being closed for the holidays!

Change of plans.... now we are sitting here in a dark hotel room while mom tries to pull herself together and stop crying hysterically!

This special day that I spent months planning for just blew up in my face. I'm trying so extremely hard to not let the situation get the best of me but I'm not doing a good job right now. I GET IT LIFE'S NOT FAIR, but I'm trying to make the best of the hand I've been dealt and my efforts still never seems good enough!

I wish I could find a happy Christmas face, at least for David, but the only emotions I can feel right now are disappointment and defeat!

I am feeling very blessed to have the opportunity to wake up on Christmas morning and take my son to Disney World "Where dreams come true". Cheers to making memories and many more years of laughs & smiles!

I would like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, but most importantly I would like to wish my best friend, my Lord & Savior a Happy Birthday!

~ Happy Birthday Jesus Christ ~

Travel itinerary, confirmation numbers, diapers, wipes, passports, meds, letter of health for the dog, warm weather clothes, cold weather clothes, dog food, snacks for the plane ride, camera, computer, phone, and chargers for all of the above!  This vacation was intended to be a much needed relaxing getaway, but I have spent the last two days preparing for it, overwhelmed and in tears. 

Everything just seems like so much work and I don't know if I'm up for the challenge at this point.   I'm am just plain and simply tired! I sure hope I can pull myself out of this funk because the whole purpose of this Florida getaway was making beautiful memories with my amazing little man. 

  I sure hope that landing in Florida will be enough to turn this frown upside down!

Today is just one of those days that I resent having to struggle with the wheelchair everyday, today is one of those days that not having a husband or partner to help seems so unfair! Today I'm struggling with understanding God's plans for us and wishing life was just a little bit easier. It's just one of those days I wish I could whine to my father about all the silly little things I'm stressing over that really don't matter, so that everything could feel better!

This picture was taken during our 2006 Holiday drive. It was my father's last Christmas alive.

       He dressed up as Santa Clause and we surprised several single parent families with bags full of Christmas Gifts on Christmas Eve. He was the skinniest Santa I have ever seen, but boy did he love being able to hand out gifts and put smiles on those families faces. I SURE DO MISS HIM AND ALL THE TIMES WE USE TO SHARE!!!!

I miss dad everyday, but for some reason today the pain of his absence has felt unbearable. Maybe because this last week I shared stories about him and his famous fudge with my students. I explained to them how for dad his fudge was the way he shared his love! As a class we then made our own batch of fudge to share with each other and our friends at school. It has made me really miss him.

After I posted this picture on Facebook, I began cleaning out my shed and randomly found a  journal of his and one of  his favorite hats. It could be coincidence, but I am choosing to believe that it was him letting us know he is still with us in spirit.

7:42pm Update

David has been extremely shaky & lethargic since we left the zoo so after another vomiting spell I decide to take to the ER if for nothing else my peace of mind! The good news is he has no fever, he is still smiling, and he's quite amused and giggling at all the hospital sounds. It looks like it might just be the flu. I am probably just being paranoid since our last experience but I rather be safe than sorry. Please say a prayer us.

1:41am Update

Well at least the zoo wasn't our only quick trip this evening. After less than five hours in the ER and we are being discharged and heading home. David is dehydrated and has some sort of bug but other than that all he needs is a little TLC.

All I can think of is crawling into my bed under warm overs and catching a few hours of sleep before I have to get up for work and then I remember.... David vomited all over my bed and all of my bedding before I decided to bring him in. "Sigh" now to finish laundry and find a set of sheets.

At least my little mans OK!

5:43am Update

We got home a little after 2:00am and after some Zofran David was able to keep down some pedialyte.  He is fast asleep and I sure wish I could join him.  I am up and on my way to work.  I can barely open my eyes and my first stop is for a 24oz coffee.  Thank God for weekends and sleep!

I still not too sure how I went from being extremely excited about the Starlight Foundations annual Christmas event at Zoolights to having a meltdown while sitting in my car crying hysterically in a matter of 30 minutes!   We wait all year for the Starlight Foundation's Christmas event which is phenomenal. After a stressful month I was really looking forward to some much-needed QT with my Dayday!   Once we got into the zoo we entered a lavishly decorated hall with a Wizard of Oz theme.  There were decorations, Christmas carolers the whole nine yards.  We had just got seated  to enjoy our meals & no more than five minutes in  I realize David is acting a little funny.  I leaned over to check on him and right at that moment he projectile vomited all over himself, me, my purse, and the dinner table.  

Needless to say we left the event, both covered in vomit doing the walk of shame.  As we get around the corner David says "mom why you crying?" and all I could say is "really David".   I'll probably laugh about this tomorrow but right now I'm completely stressed out and overwhelmed! It's been a long day, long week, long month and all I wanted to do is finally enjoy a Holiday event with the love of my  life. 

To be honest,  I think what has me so upset  is the thought that whatever David might have might require a trip to the ER or Hospital.  I know it is silly, but even the thought of going to the hospital gives me great anxiety.  All I can think about is that the last time David went to the hospital he almost did not make it back home.  I love my life, it has made us who we are, I would not change things for the world, but sometimes I wish we could be “normal” just for the Holidays. 

CHRISTmas is only 13 days a way and I am trying to remain positive and focus on what this season is all about, but I have been thrown some curve balls this month.  My dental work has taken much longer and cost much more than I had anticipated spending this month.  I am having a real hard time recovering from my surgery (dental implant) and I have been in constant pain for the last five days.  I am swollen, uncomfortable  and I can't eat!!!!  That makes for one grumpy me.  

In addition to my dental fiasco, my mechanic just informed me that I need almost $500.00 worth of work to my vehicle.  When it rains it pours!!!  Well I guess I will be unpacking my rain boots and umbrella and preparing to weather this storm because after the rain comes a RAINBOW!

I am excited to move past 2012 and into 2013 where I know God has many more blessings in-store for David and I.  With so many positive changes in our lives and having let go of some unnecessary baggage this last year David and I are finally prepared to enter this new year off fresh...  2013 HERE WE COME!!!

 I've been struggling a little lately. Not about anything big just a whole bunch of little things.  I've been missing my dad, worried about David getting sick, buried at work, trying to prepare for the holidays, keeping the house work kept up, managing the finances, Finding time and money to get my dental work completed, and somehow finding time for family and friends which is what the holidays are all about!  I have been just a little overwhelmed with life in general.

Last week, I had five minutes of downtime so I stopped at Subway for lunch.   Everything I still needed to get done started racing through my head.   As I went to enter the restaurant  I noticed a little old man in a wheelchair sitting outside the subway entrance.   As I entered he asked me if I could do him a favor and open the door so that he could go in and eat.  This particular subway didn't have a handicap button so he was unable to open the door and get in on his own.  I open the door for him and gave him an inviting smile.   He began to joke with me about how hungry he was and that while he was sitting out there  his stomach was growling at him.

As I was ordering  my sub I felt compelled to pay for this precious mans lunch as well, so I purchase a gift card.  I instructed the cashier to hand it to the man to pay for his meal but, only after I left the building. 

For that moment all of my problems and everything I had been worried about seemed so insignificant.  This man was not frustrated or angry as he patiently waited  for someone to help him.  His attitude reminded me to slow down and appreciate the little things we so often take for granted.  Buying his lunch was just a small gesture to thank him for sharing his smile with me. 

I know what it's like to have device intended to provide you more freedom also act as a barrier.  David and I have lived with a wheelchair attached to our lives.  I also know what it's like to be be stuck outside watching from a window or the side lines, and I know how out-of-control it feels when no matter how hard you try there's just some things you can't do by yourself.   I truly know because I live that life with my son.  Although, I didn't want this precious man to know that it was me who blessed him with his lunch, part of me wanted to squeeze him and let him know how much he had blessed me.  I wanted to let him know how courageous he was and how special his smile is!

I am going to make an conscious effort to focus on those around me, I will enjoy smiles and share mine!   When I get overwhelmed I will remind myself  that my too do list, although important, is not worth my joy!

Random acts of kindness really do make a difference!

I have had a tough couple of weeks at work and my days have been long and intense.   When I get home I am so exhausted that caring for David is the only energy I can muster up.  My household chores including yard work have been far too overwhelming for me to even think about!

Today some neighbors I have never met before came over.  It was a husband and wife and the wife explained that her husband was a landscaper and wanted to work on my yard.  I thought they were trying to sale his services so I asked for a quote and they replied  “we just want to help you”. 

Since the home remodel I have taken great pride in our new home and have gone out and pulled weeds every weekend, but now that I am juggling the dog and extra hours at work I have been slacking and feeling very guilty about it.  Only God knew how overwhelmed I was feeling and he sent help.  Thank you God and random neighbors who care.  That is one less thing for me to worry about this week ;)

I can't deny the fact that I am the psycho mom who still sends her 16-year-old to school with cupcakes and prize bags for his birthday!  Oh and guess what... He  slept with me last night so that I could wake him up singing Happy Birthday to him ;)

What can I say he is officially a typical 16 year old...

16 years ago today, God blessed me with a beautiful miracle that would forever change my life. For the last 16 years David has blessed this world with his smile and taught grown adults what it means to be courageous. HAPPY BIRTHDAY My Love... Mommy loves you with all her heart!!!

Thank you God for the opportunity to share another year with my Dayday!

Mommies having a real hard time dealing with the fact that her one and only 

baby boy will be 16 tomorrow!                   

I also am blessed knowing that for the last 16 years, each and every year 

has been filled with miracles and  blessings beyond measure.  ;)     

Today marks 9 months since David got sick and on Tuesday my Dayday will be 16 on Tuesday. 

  As the days draw closer, I find myself more and more emotional!  Partly because my baby boy is not such a baby anymore and also because after almost loosing him 9 months ago, I know what a miracle having the opportunity to celebrate his birthday this year is! 

I can't imagine my life without David and everyday I thank God for giving me my own  little perfect angel to help me through this journey.

Day 18: I am thankful that our God is greater! 

As cold and flu season roll around the trauma of David and my experiences last February haunt me.

I vividly remember those long sleepless nights and the doctors telling me that there was no way my son could survive.  

The virus had taken over, his organs were shutting down, he had been non-responsive, and he could no longer breath on his own.  David was on  100% life-support and quickly deteriorating.   There was nothing more the doctors or  the machines could do for him. 

I also remember dragging myself to church on no sleep and throwing myself at the altar, heartbroken I begged God for a miracle.   

And then...  I remember David opening his eyes and showing the world how Great our God is!!!

Day 15: I am thankful that my son’s joy shines through him everyday.  

The bus driver just told me that he is the happiest kid on the bus.  David smiles from 6:10 till 8:00 (then entire hour and 50 minute ride).  Then he continues to smile for the duration of the day ;)  It truly is his smile that keeps me going!

Day 13: I am thankful that this Holiday season I will not have the burden of worrying about how I will provide for my son for Christmas. 

 This year I have decided to sponsor a single parent family for Christmas. The organization that I am adopting the family through is a local nonprofit that has helped David and I immensely. They made sure we had a Christmas while I was unemployed and attending college.

It feels amazing to be on the other end of the Christmas drive this year. I would have never been able to educate myself and offer David the stability and life he deserve without everyone’s love and support and amazing organizations like Helping Hands. 

I would love to be able to adopt even more families, but I cannot do it alone. If you are not already committed to a Christmas drive and would like to be part of something amazing please let me know and I can forward you this family’s wish list. 

 Even if you are unable to help me in my efforts, remember that CHRISTmas is about sharing Christ’s love so I challenge you all to do it in any way you can!