I just got done speaking with my son's teacher and our conversation tickled me. We shared David stories and then she told me about how last week he wheeled himself over to a desk chair and transferred himself into it to sit like a big boy ;) AWWW She Also said that staff fight over working with him. *One Proud Mommy*

I am fighting a migraine, I'm tired, it is raining/snowing outside, I am sad, and I really wanted to spend my evening sitting around and pouting . I knew that would be no way to honor my dad so I decided to do the next best thing... I cooked David a four course meal ;). Believe it or not, cooking David dinner with love the same way my father cooked with love for me brought a perfect end to our night!

Missing My Daddy

Six years ago today I lost my father, my best friend! My heart still aches for him and there are still moments that I wish he was hereto reassure me that everything will be okay. I miss his cooking, his fudge, the way he made me laugh, his teasing, jokes,stories, our shopping and the way he could make the worst day feel alright.  I miss EVERYTHING about him being here. 

I appreciate the memories God gave us the opportunity to make, even though I often wish we would have had more time.  I know that there are moments and memories that we will have to experience without him, I also know that those moments might hurt due to his absence, but I truly feel blessed that God granted us the time he did. 

 They were inseparable!!!

February 20, 2013

Dear Daddy, 

I wish you could see us now, be proud that I survived college,and know that David’s smile is still impacting the world.  I will forever hold your words close to my heart, your laughter fresh in my mind, and when loosing you hurts too much to bear I will envision you smiling down on us.

Love you always and forever,

Michelle and David

David Missing his Papa at his services ;( 2007

I found a journal I used to write to my dad after hepassed.  I was breathtaking to look backat my entries and remember where we have been and how far we have come.  Below is a couple of my entries:

May 30^, 2007

Dear Dad,

I miss you sooo much! I long to hear your voice. So many exciting things are going on in mylife and not having you a phone call away is hard.  I got a few more scholarships and on the 25^thI met the First Lady.  I know you can seeit all and are so proud, but I miss sharing stories with you.  Hearing the joy in your voice and imaginingthe smile on your face. 

I just completed my training and practical’s with thePhoenix Fire Department.  I was nervous aboutgetting a code call because death is still so real for me and I know what greatpain comes with loosing someone you love. I did better than expected.  Ithurts without you, but it hurts without you. 

Keep our spots warm in heaven.  Hopefully we won’t be there for a whilebecause we have a lot of work to do yet, but I cannot wait to embrace you.  If you can please send us a sign so it doesn't hurt so much. I promise we will make you as proud as you have made us!

Love you Daddy,

Michelle

November 7, 2010

Dear Dad,

It has been way too long since I have written to you!  I guess this silly journal is a better thannothing, but it is a bitter reminder that you are no longer here.  You were supposed to fill it for David and Ibut time did not permit that.  I ammissing you so much and cannot believe how much it still hurts. 

David is so big now ;) I can barely lift him.  I’m tooscared to think about what happens when I cant lift him anymore so I just smileand do things the best I can.  That strategyis not working to well for me right now.  Many of my days end in tears nomatter how hard I fight them. 

I am currently working as an account executive (sellingtrash cans).  I guess between you and Iwe have officially sold it all now!  I amalso working on two Master degrees.  Iwill have my first one this December.  Ohhow I wish you could be there to watch me. Please send me a sign that you are with us.  David and I need you so much right now.

Love always,

Michelle 

On our way to graduation.  =) 2010

TO GOD BE ALL THE GLORY!

I attended church this morning knowing I needed God to fill my cup!  I have been anticipating the coming week for quite some time.  I have also tried to prepare myself for the emotional  challenges that might surface.  You see, February 20th marks six years since I lost my father/best friend and February 23rd marks the one-year anniversary of David falling ill.  My emotions are still very raw regarding the loss my father and almost losing my son.  Both events where and still are very traumatic for us.

As I sat through praise and worship I felt the presence of God.  I vividly remembered this time last year, I remembered being in one of the most desperate and broken states of my life.  I came to church and through myself at the alter.  I pleaded with God to spare my son.  It was the first time in a long time that I was not distracted and/or did not care who might be around or  watching.  I knew I needed God and that was all that mattered.  My flesh had been defeated and had nothing left in me to fight our battle alone!  In my cries God graciously heard me.  He mercifully protected both David and myself as we spent the following weeks and months enduring the fight of our lives.   Eventually we both recovered physically, emotionally, and spirituality and God continues to carry us today. 

Psalm 46:1-3

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. "Selah".”

Those experiences of loss left an ache in my heart, but God has since revealed their purpose.  God had granted me his perfect understanding and as brutal as those events were I know they were crucial to my walk.  Our journey has allowed me to grow and gain such a greater understanding of the God we serve.  

I will never forgot the doctors words “sorry mom, but there is nothing more we can do and there is no way he can make it through this one”.  I also remember my heart sinking as a million and one question raced through my head.  How can I live without him? and how could I ever survive the challenges of life without his smile to keep me going?    And then…  I remember the moment when Bridget leaned over and whispered in his ear and to everyone's surprise David opened his eyes and responded for the first time in days.  Defying all odds, shocking doctors, and sharing a miracle with everyone anxiously watching!!!!   I remember his first breath with out the machines and even though I remember the pain of the events that followed our ER visit in February of last year,  I also  will never forget all the blessing God gave us in the months that followed his recovery.  God confirmed that not only would he see us through the trials of our lives, but that he would carry us through when we needed him too.    So this week when my head tries to go to dark places I will remind myself of God’s light that saw us through and continues to shine through our story today.   

My father's absence still hurts immensely, but I know he's with the Lord.  He is in a  place where he is sitting peacefully, pain free, and smiling down on us.   As much as I miss him I know that in due time we will meet again!!!!

The thought of David getting sick again it is still very scary and surreal.  Although the events that I am reminded of this week in February are some of the most traumatic experiences in our lives,  they have also been some of the most life altering and life transforming experiences as well.  They have brought me to a place of complete surrender and then and only then where my guards down enough to allow God to move.  David did survive and God used our battle to share his VICTORY with the world! Our experience have shined through our life and honored Jesus in such a way that although there is still some pain associated with our trials, I would endure that pain a million times over to glorify our God.    

Our crisis last year and the events that followed began with a runny nose and a seizure.  I will never forget that seizure because not only was it one of the worst seizure David ever had, but it was also the last seizure David had since February 23, 2012.   David has been seizure free for almost a year, which is the longest he has gone without one since he was a year old.   

Proverbs 3:5-6

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

TO GOD BE ALL THE GLORY!

Who ever it is you love today... love unconditionally, love them without fear, & give them all that you would love in return.

Today is about loving your significant others. Although, my significant other may not be my partner, there is no doubt that he is the best thing that ever happened to me!!!

Mommy loves you David! You are my Angel.

Let God's love shine through you today. Happy Valentine's Day friends!

Happy Valentines Day

Tomorrow my baby boy will be getting a special delivery at school! The card attached reads... To the Love of my life: Thank you for making me the proudest mommy in the world! Please share with your friends.  

   

You will never know how capable of loving your are until you have a child.  Your heart changes!!!!

After my recent visit with my PCP I have decided to seek counseling in regards to my current levels of anxiety about David's health. I know mommy's worry, that's what we do best, but there are times that my fears of losing David and anxiety over him getting sick become all consuming! I have been trying to manage and process these emotions since last April, but I haven't been doing a good job of it lately. I can't watch the news, Illnesses are now a phobia of mine, & loss has become a debilitating thought that consumes me with grief.

God's not done with us yet. This is just the beginning for David and I, but in-order for me to enjoy the experience I know I'm going to need a professional's help!

I'm not sure if I even know what true love is anymore, but if I had to define it at the present time I would say True Love is... someone who will let you have all the red and pink starburst or save you all the cheesiest Doritos. I love you David!!

I'm sitting at my yard sale with no customers rewriting my bucket list for 2013. I Can finally cross off taking David to swim with dolphins. ;)

#1 on my list... Find a way for David to meet Bruno Mars.
#2 for myself to meet Oprah,
#3 To take David to meet the San Francisco 49ers and the San Francisco Giants.

I know I'm a little ambitious, but hey if you don't aim high you'll never reach the stars!

After feeling miserable for several days I finally got into see the doctor and the results are in... I have acute bronchitis and ear infection! This explains a lot. I've started antibiotics and I have to get a chest x-ray early next week, but hopefully all the medication they have me on will resolve my issues. I'm still very paranoid about David getting sick so I am hoping and praying that we can keep him healthy through the season.

Vacation recap….

If you are a parent, whether your child is typical or has disabilities you will understand that vacation is never really a vacation for us parents.  We are busy trying to make sure everyone is happy, everything goes as planned, that we manage to stay on budget and on time, etc….   I knew this vacation would be no different.  I knew it would require a lot of work and effort on my part, but my intentions for this vacation were to bond with David.  It was my way of expressing to him how truly special he is to me.  Goal number one was to make lasting memory.

There are a lot of things that I've been struggling with and this trip was a way for me to get away, come to terms with a few things, regroup, focus, and come back together. Despite what some may think I am human, I have my struggles and fare share of melt downs.   

I booked and paid for this trip over two years ago.  It was a promotional packaged deal where you paid a lower price for the package, but had to sit through a time share presentation.  Right before the trip I discovered that there were all these additional unexpected charges for the vacation and when it was actually time to take the trip nothing had been as promised.  I reminded myself that this trip was about memories and that David and I were both capable of making amazing memories together regardless of minor setbacks, so we attempted to laughed about things and continue on.  That was until we woke up on Christmas and found out that we could not get in to Disney World.   

How our trip began… We  flew into Florida on Christmas eve, had a nice little dinner, and then went to bed early so that we were well rested for our surprise adventure the following day.  I had planned to surprise David by waking him up on Christmas morning with a Mickey Mouse doll.  I had purchased us both Disney attire and after we were both dressed and ready we got in the car and headed to Disney World.   I didn't think that everyone else would have the same bright idea about spending their Christmas in Disney World.  As we approached the entrance we noticed that traffic was backed up for miles.  We anxiously waited approximately two hours and when we finally reached the parking entrance we were informed that the park was at maximum capacity and they were no longer letting people in.   I was devastated!!!!   I know to most people it seemed as if I was being over dramatic over something simple, but at the time it felt as if all our vacation and Christmas plans came crashing down.   I had planned this for so long, the trip had so much sentemental value and I had so much emotinally invested in the idea of the opportunity to give David this incredible surprise on Christmas morning.    I felt like I sucked as a mother.  Here I was trying to give him this spectacular Christmas gift for fighting for his life, for being the amazing spirited young man that he is and here we were thousands of miles away from our family, I had no gifts for him but our Disney tickets, and everything around us was closed.   I can laugh about it now, but in that moment my disappointment had succumb me.   For the record although, I spent all day crying over not getting into to the park David never cared! Lol

My meltdown was about far more than Disney World. That was just my excuse to finally break down, have a much needed cry, and get over it.   It was that I miss my father,  I miss what little family I have (who are out of state), I wish I had a partner and more kids to share the holidays with, and I am at a point in my life where I want to start a family that consist of more than just David and I.  Not that David is not enough, it is just that we have fought long and hard and we are both ready for more. 

After spending Christmas day hugging my son and being a big fat cry baby I got over it.   I have always said the great thing about life is everyday you wake up with a “do over”.  So we decide to pretend that Christmas was the day after instead. Things did not necessarily go as I had planned on this trip, but I know they went as God planned. Hindsight is always 2020 and after I got over not getting in to the park on Christmas day, I realize we wouldn't have wanted to deal with the Christmas crowds with a dog and a wheelchair anyways. 

Walt Disney World was amazing, but it was extremely difficult having to take David in and out of his chair and lift him onto every ride.  I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to get through crowds in the wheelchair and last time we did Disney he did not weigh as much so the lifting was more intense than I had anticipated this trip.  Lifting 95 pounds on and off every single ride we went on took a toll on me.  There were a few disappointments in the park, but nothing we could not manage.  Our absolute favorite ride is the Peter Pan.  For some reason the thought of Never Land makes me feel like I can escape to a happy place (at least for a few minutes on the ride).   When we got to the ride were told that Peter Pan was no longer wheelchair accessible and that David could not ride even if I was willing to carry him on.   I understood their reasoning and the man kindly explained that for whatever reason there had been several previous accidents/injuries that lead to the decision to no longer have that particular ride accessible, but it still sucked just the same.   Once again that darn wheelchair prevented us from another thing we enjoyed. We ended our Disney experience meeting the characters which David thoroughly enjoyed.  He still loves the Princesses!

Our next stop was our cruise to the Bahamas.   As we prepared to check in the agent looks down and says “oh we don’t have here that you have a wheelchair” I replied well we do and she goes on to tell me that since that was not mentioned when the cruse was booked there was nothing that they could do.  I explained that the trip was booked by a third party who was well aware of our situation and who assured me that the appropriate accommodations would be made and all the cruse agent could say was “sorry that did not happen”.  So since the third-party agent did not inform them that we needed a wheelchair accessible room one was not saved for us and now there were no longer any available. The lady instructed me that I would just have to simply carry him in and out of the room.   Again his darn wheelchair was interfering with our life. 

My eyes began to well up with tears and I could not even speak.   Good thing because if I could have I would have probably screamed “JUST carry him, JUST lift 95lbs over my 125lb shoulder and carry him on a moving ship, JUST lift him after a day of lifting him 100 times at Disney!”  The poor agent really had no clue what I was going through.  I was physically exhausted, tired of lifting, and just overwhelmed.  I was frustrated with the wheelchair slowing us down and continuously creating obstacles for us,  and I was sick of people thinking that I could SIMPLY do anything because everything for us takes extra strength, strategy,  extra planning, extra effort, and extra work. 

Frustrated and overwhelmed, I proceed to the room and when I got to the door and realized how narrow the doorway and the room was and I just lost it.   It was apparent that I was going to have to literally carry David over my shoulder in and out of our room on a moving cruise ship.   I was already physically exhausted and all I could do was sit in the hallway and cry.   A poor passenger who witnessed my meltdown asked if there was anything she could do to help and I informed her that all I needed was a good hard cry and I would get over it. I didn't want anything to take from these moments with David and I didn't want this incredible experience to be robbed from us and so I put on my big girl panties, threw David over my shoulder, and carried him in the room.

The following day the ship ported in the Bahamas.  Again, I had to lift David out of his wheelchair, put him over my shoulder, and climb upstairs to get on the bus that was taking us to the beach and dolphin encounter.  The lifting and dealing with the wheelchair was not anything I am not use to.  It wasn't a big deal, but watching other families made me realize how complicated it really is for us to do things that are so simple for others.   Once we got to the Bahamas I decided that I wanted to take David to the beach.  I have always heard of how beautiful their beaches were and how blue the water was, but to get David there would be challenging.  In order for me to be able to take David into the same beach that we could see other kids running around on I had to abandon his wheelchairs, lift him over my shoulder, and walked almost a block in sand with him on my back.  I'm not complaining, I will happily make the sacrifices necessary so that David can have the same experiences other children have.  What scares me is that as he grows my ability to make things happen has become increasingly more difficult!

I do fear the day that David becomes too heavy for me to put him over my shoulder.   I wonder what will happen when there are more limits placed on us because of David’s disabilities. For the longest time I have made great efforts to make sure that I compensated for David’s disabilities.  I would lift, drag, pull, do whatever necessary so that he was not left out.  Now days it seems like my ability to prevent that is not as simple as it used to be when he was smaller.  I hate being left out, I hate the thought that David’s disability, wheelchair, or condition might keep us from having the life that most people take for granted  every day.  I'm not trying to be a ungrateful because I love our life,  I just hate that we are at a point in our lives that giving David (the love of my life and my only child)  the same experiences and opportunities as non-disabled children seems out of my control.

I hate being misunderstood, I hate people thinking I'm being a crybaby, or complaining when they have no idea how much I internally struggle with  before I finally break and/or have a meltdown.

Many things were accomplished on this trip.  We definitely made unforgettable memories.  David swimming and interacting with the dolphins was priceless and the highlight of our trip.  Mommy letting go of the fact that I cannot control everything and realizing that God is going to have to carry us when it is no longer physically possible for me to carry David was a realization I have needed to come to for some time.   As hectic, stressful, and physically demanding as this vacation was, it was amazing.  It was a blessing and it allowed me to come to terms with some unresolved issues in my life (both positive and negative) that I have needed to resolve in order to begin 2013 off right!

Cheers to what is in store for us!

This last year has been an extremely challenging year for us. We have experienced some of our greatest highs and encountered some of our greatest lows. I'm still trying to wrap my thoughts around 2012, but one thing I do understand is that God has been present through it all.

Moving forward I'm excited to see what's in store for us in 2013.

I'm ready to embrace this journey with God being our pilot and David being the most amazing wingman I could ever have!

Happy New Years Eve... Cheers to many blessings and a year filled with memories and experiences beyond our wildest dreams!!!

•*¨*•.¸ ¸ Happy New Years to you & yours •*¨*•.¸ ¸. May 2013 be your best year yet! •*¨*•.¸ ¸.

I'm in aww of my Son David!!! I see hope in his bright eyes, I find peace in his smile, love in his laughter, and faith in every breath that he takes! David is my World and I find purpose in my life through his.

Our life's might be a bit complicated from time to time, but that's what makes us the dynamic duo that we are! I am so very thankful that God chose us to help prove how real God is and that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIST!



His Smile Truly Does Keep me Going & I know it blesses others as well!

I have been planning and saving for this trip for months. It was a desperate attempt to get away. I needed a break, to be removed from our environment so that I could slow down, breath, and take time to celebrate and appreciate my son's life. I had the entire trip planned out in my head. I would wake David up with a kiss and a Mickey Mouse doll I had gotten him. Then I would get him dressed in his Disney attired and we would spend the day in Disney World enjoying the rides, characters, lights, music, and most importantly each other! I didn't plan on Disney World being full and everything else around us being closed for the holidays!

Change of plans.... now we are sitting here in a dark hotel room while mom tries to pull herself together and stop crying hysterically!

This special day that I spent months planning for just blew up in my face. I'm trying so extremely hard to not let the situation get the best of me but I'm not doing a good job right now. I GET IT LIFE'S NOT FAIR, but I'm trying to make the best of the hand I've been dealt and my efforts still never seems good enough!

I wish I could find a happy Christmas face, at least for David, but the only emotions I can feel right now are disappointment and defeat!

I am feeling very blessed to have the opportunity to wake up on Christmas morning and take my son to Disney World "Where dreams come true". Cheers to making memories and many more years of laughs & smiles!

I would like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, but most importantly I would like to wish my best friend, my Lord & Savior a Happy Birthday!

~ Happy Birthday Jesus Christ ~

Travel itinerary, confirmation numbers, diapers, wipes, passports, meds, letter of health for the dog, warm weather clothes, cold weather clothes, dog food, snacks for the plane ride, camera, computer, phone, and chargers for all of the above!  This vacation was intended to be a much needed relaxing getaway, but I have spent the last two days preparing for it, overwhelmed and in tears. 

Everything just seems like so much work and I don't know if I'm up for the challenge at this point.   I'm am just plain and simply tired! I sure hope I can pull myself out of this funk because the whole purpose of this Florida getaway was making beautiful memories with my amazing little man. 

  I sure hope that landing in Florida will be enough to turn this frown upside down!

Today is just one of those days that I resent having to struggle with the wheelchair everyday, today is one of those days that not having a husband or partner to help seems so unfair! Today I'm struggling with understanding God's plans for us and wishing life was just a little bit easier. It's just one of those days I wish I could whine to my father about all the silly little things I'm stressing over that really don't matter, so that everything could feel better!

This picture was taken during our 2006 Holiday drive. It was my father's last Christmas alive.

       He dressed up as Santa Clause and we surprised several single parent families with bags full of Christmas Gifts on Christmas Eve. He was the skinniest Santa I have ever seen, but boy did he love being able to hand out gifts and put smiles on those families faces. I SURE DO MISS HIM AND ALL THE TIMES WE USE TO SHARE!!!!

I miss dad everyday, but for some reason today the pain of his absence has felt unbearable. Maybe because this last week I shared stories about him and his famous fudge with my students. I explained to them how for dad his fudge was the way he shared his love! As a class we then made our own batch of fudge to share with each other and our friends at school. It has made me really miss him.

After I posted this picture on Facebook, I began cleaning out my shed and randomly found a  journal of his and one of  his favorite hats. It could be coincidence, but I am choosing to believe that it was him letting us know he is still with us in spirit.

7:42pm Update

David has been extremely shaky & lethargic since we left the zoo so after another vomiting spell I decide to take to the ER if for nothing else my peace of mind! The good news is he has no fever, he is still smiling, and he's quite amused and giggling at all the hospital sounds. It looks like it might just be the flu. I am probably just being paranoid since our last experience but I rather be safe than sorry. Please say a prayer us.

1:41am Update

Well at least the zoo wasn't our only quick trip this evening. After less than five hours in the ER and we are being discharged and heading home. David is dehydrated and has some sort of bug but other than that all he needs is a little TLC.

All I can think of is crawling into my bed under warm overs and catching a few hours of sleep before I have to get up for work and then I remember.... David vomited all over my bed and all of my bedding before I decided to bring him in. "Sigh" now to finish laundry and find a set of sheets.

At least my little mans OK!

5:43am Update

We got home a little after 2:00am and after some Zofran David was able to keep down some pedialyte.  He is fast asleep and I sure wish I could join him.  I am up and on my way to work.  I can barely open my eyes and my first stop is for a 24oz coffee.  Thank God for weekends and sleep!