I AM NOT OK!!!

I can not cry this away, shop this away, clean this away, sleep this away, or even pray this away!  It is an ongoing nightmare! Pain is eating my from the inside out!  All BS aside I just want to hold her and tell her I forgive her.  I let my hurt feelings get the best of me and now I might not ever get the chance to tell her how much she really means to me.  Her desperation for love landed her in jail and now she could possibly die there alone, never knowing how much love she has at home praying for her safe return.  I don't want to have to spend Mother's Day and Father's Day crying over letters with their last words because that is all I have left.  I hate life almost as much as I hate death right now!!! I can't take much more of this!!!  ;(