I don't want to wake up and face tomorrow, but not facing life is not an option.  From what I understand the prison has been trying to find the best possible hospital to perform my mothers surgery because of the high risk involved.  At this point I don't know when, where, or even what the surgery will entail.  I am going to try get some rest, but rest has not come easy lately.  

I have spent the last week anxiously starring at my phone hoping to get answers, but dreading the possibility that at any moment I could get "the call".  The same call I got when my dad passed. A one minute call that forever changed my  life.  A call that informs you that life as you know it will be forever change, happy moments will now hurt, as you try and survive life with a gaping whole in the center of your heart. I have done this way too many times to survive doing this again.   

Every breath I take hurts! I am trying everything humanly possible to cling to my faith, but there are some moments that every ounce of sanity I have left seems to  quickly drift right through my finger tips.  Jesus I know you are there and I know you hear my cries so I am begging you please help me with this pain!!!!!  Please Lord if your will is not for her to survive this please at least allow me the opportunity to make this right and give me the strength to survive this without her.  

I AM NOT OK!!!

I can not cry this away, shop this away, clean this away, sleep this away, or even pray this away!  It is an ongoing nightmare! Pain is eating my from the inside out!  All BS aside I just want to hold her and tell her I forgive her.  I let my hurt feelings get the best of me and now I might not ever get the chance to tell her how much she really means to me.  Her desperation for love landed her in jail and now she could possibly die there alone, never knowing how much love she has at home praying for her safe return.  I don't want to have to spend Mother's Day and Father's Day crying over letters with their last words because that is all I have left.  I hate life almost as much as I hate death right now!!! I can't take much more of this!!!  ;(

I'm too broken right now to try and hide or sugar coat things so here it is...  My mom has been in Prison in Madrid Spain since November.  I have been extremely angry with her over her bad decisions which left me feeling very abandoned.  Our contact has been very limited due to the circumstance.  Last week I found out that she was diagnosed with cancer, but because I can not just pick up the phone and call her I had very few details and was left with many questions.  I have tried to survive in denial while I got through some other crisis currently going on in our lives, but today reality slapped me in the face!!!  I now know that the Cancer is wide spread and because of all of her other medical issues, she is at a very high risk of not surviving the surgery.  I had to decide what I wanted to do with her body and I haven't even been able to talk to her yet.

Please don't tell me to trust God and/or please don't tell me to just focus on the positive because if it was that easy I would not be feeling this heart wrenching pain right now!!! What we need right now is prayer for either healing or for strength to carry us through.

I don't want to bury my last living parent, my son's only grandparent.  I don't want to hear from the US Embassy that my mother is withering away in a jail cell in a foreign country all alone!  

I'm pissed off, broken, tired, and feeling defeated!!! 

I just want to throw my face into a pillow and cry until I can't cry anymore!  I want to scream and yell at the world about how unfair life can be sometimes.  I'm angry, I'm sad, and I'm extremely weak right now. I don't want to be a superhero or that supermom that everyone admires.  Right now I just need to be human.  I just need people to understand that I'm broken.  I need people to see that no matter how strong they may perceive me to be, I too get tired and  I feel pain just like everyone else.   I don't want to be that strong woman who always gets right back up.  I want to just sit on the floor and kick and scream for a while first!!! I have faith, I am positive, and I know my God is bigger than my current situation, but none of that changes the fact 

that life hurts right now!!!!  

I would like to wish my father a Happy birthday, but the truth is now that he's passed his birthday seen to be filled with much more sadness than happiness. 

I know people are well-intentioned  when they say  "he is with you in spirit" or "he is looking down on you". I hope that's so, but that doesn't change the sad reality that he is not physically here. He is not able to wipe my tears, hug me a hard day, or help me laugh  my way through crisis. Unfortunately people's kind words doesn't make life without him hurt any less.

Daddy  I hope that you're in heaven running, jumping, playing practical jokes,  and doing all the things you're body didn't allow you to do on earth anymore. Just know that there's not a day or second that goes by that I don't miss and think of you. 

I try to cope the best I can, but losing your best friend and father all at the same time is far too difficult to swallow on days like today!  Since you are and not physically here to share my adventures with, I take you along for the ride.  So far you've been to Puerto Rico, Brazil, Honduras, and you even made it to both of my Masters graduation ceremonies!  

I take after you and I'm a pretty tough cookie so I know I'll somehow managed to get through the day, even if I do it with a very heavy heart!  I love you to infinity and beyond!

As I sat in my car broken and overwhelmed I cried out to Jesus. I pleaded for confirmation that I'm headed in the right direction and on the right path. Five minutes into my drive to church I get a phone call that was just as clear as Jesus whispering in my ear, keep on pushing forward, I'm here! — feeling determined.

Now to figure out how to pack two dozen boxes of colored pencils, two dozen packs of markers, over 50 boxes of crayons,  a dozen baby rattles, erasers, pencil sharpener's, pencils, three dozen socks, cars, baby dolls, team David Bands, and all the letters from my students in one suitcase!  I can't wait to deliver these goodies to the orphans in Honduras!!!!  Thanks again to all my faithful friends who support all of my endeavors.  It looks like Christmas in March.  ;). I plan to deliver far more than school supplies to these kiddos, I want to bring them the love of Jesus!!!!

For the things I am yet to have…

For the mother I do not have, God has given me an exceptional spiritual mother. For the local family support system I do not have, God has given me a church family that has superseded my expectations.  For the sisters I never had the opportunity to grow up with, God gave me amazing friends and an amazing sister-in-law.

For the additional children I'd like to have God gave me a classroom full of them, a church full of them, a world full of them, and beautiful nieces and nephews to share my love with. For the father David has not had the opportunity to have,  God has given us amazing men for him to look up to. 

So what if the white picket fence I have always dreamed of, in all reality is a chain-link fence that keep the children I love at school safe and educated? What if the hero I have been waiting for to save me, showed up 17 years ago in the form of an innocent child who would teach me to love,  and show me how to be courageous and brave.  Just what if…  the night in shining armor I've been waiting for has already come in the form of the best soul mate a girl could ask for, a savior that would die for my sins.  

What if we are wasting so much time focusing on the things we are yet to have that we are not allowing ourselves to enjoy the things God has already given us????

God allows us to paint our own pictures and then when we are ready he comes in and makes those pictures masterpieces. 

 

Food for thought!

In six days Christina Carmel, Iris, & I Will be boarding a plane  to Honduras.  I'm so excited for the opportunity to spend time in an orphanage loving on little ones with no family!  I have been told that school supplies are a hot commodity out there.  A luxury  most children can't afford.  My goal is to be able to bring a suitcase full of  school supplies to share with all the children at the orphanage. If anyone is interested in contributing  we are still in need of pencils, colored pencils, crayons, coloring books, and other various school supplies.  I will be collecting supplies for the next 5 days so please let me know if you would like to be part of providing these gifts to these precious little ones.

It's been so crazy watching my one and only little one grow up! The other day I caught myself getting so excited that he had a boo-boo that mommy could tend to. I cleaned it up , put Neosporin on it, and then finish the job with a Captain America Band-Aid.  It was humbling to have the opportunity to that  nurture him and I enjoyed the fact  that he still needs me for things.  I see how our relationship is changing and I know I need to start figuring out how I'm going to take care of and be the mother of a little man.  I'm still trying to figure things out but I sure do treasure those moments where I can baby him. Do all parents have to go to this?

Let’s be real…

With all my friends having big moments here lately I feel like I've been lost, wondering what's next for David and I.  I wonder when we will have the opportunity to live our own dreams, instead of being happy for those around us. I am extremely happy for those that I love, but I must be honest with myself and there is a part of me that feels like we are being left behind.   When I use to imagine my life, never did I think that at 34 I would be single with only one child?  My plan was to have been rescued by a knight in shining armor, have 10+ little ones running around the house, and a white picket fence to top the cake. 

I often wonder if I have become complacent.  I wonder if David and I will ever get to live our own dreams out or if our excitement will be watching everybody else live them.  I have tried to transfer my undying faith in God to my thoughts in this area of my life, as it has gotten us through every other challenge we have endured, but often my demons convince me that still being alone is a reflection of my value.  As those thoughts start to consume me I am quickly reminded that the devil is a LIAR.    

Subtly God allows me to reflect on our journey from another perspective.  Although, I am unmarried with only one child I have been entrusted with an angel.  I am educated, ambitious, and God has granted me the strength to achieve things in my lifetime that most people do not have the opportunity to do in 60 years, with a partner, and/or healthy children. 

With everything in perspective I begin to reflect on our journey through God’s eyes.  I quickly realize that although I might not yet be where I planned to be at this point in my life, I am a lot further along than I often give myself credit for. 

Looking back at my blog post from only two years ago I immediately become humbled by all the work God has continued to do in our lives.    As I read through the post I remember my desperate pleas for prayers, hoping my son would wake up and take a breath on his own.  I remember my intimate conversations with God promising that I would go without anything for the rest of my life, just to have that one thing that matters,   my precious son alive and well.   Sometimes God's plans for us are much different than our own, but that just means God has bigger and better plans.  Looking back I thank God for all of the answered and unanswered prayers.  I understand why things I prayed to work out did not and I know that Gods purpose for us is bigger than I can even imagine. 

One thing that I KNOW…  wedding or no wedding, babies or no babies, financially prosperous or broke, God is alive in me and our lives are a testament of his grace and mercy.   I will continue to patiently wait for God’s plan for us to be fulfilled because even if his timing is different than my own, his power and plans are worth the wait!!!!!

I have decided to create a photo book for David.  As I sit and rummage through years and years of photos I find myself succumb to many unexpected emotions.  I watch our journey unfolds as we both grow, I become a woman and he becomes a very charming little young man.  I began to piece together our journey starting first with our holiday photos, then our hospital stays, my graduations, and I watch as  our lives unfold through these photographs.  Where did all the time go? How did we get to where we are today? And is this where were supposed to be because it's been one hell of a ride. 

I reminisce on all the amazing things we've had the opportunity to do and see.  The photos remind me of our travels and all the amazing people we have been blessed to meet along the way.  I even came across all of our magazine and newspaper articles, awards, and the photos from our home makeover.  I was reminded of David’s first brain surgery when he was only 2 months old and I was only17,  I remember surgery number 10, surgery number 31, and all of the surgeries and hospital stays in between and then I took a breath and looked at our lives now and realized somehow we have managed to proudly remain standing! 

Then I came across our  birthday photos and watch as both conquer one year after another and I realize that  on David’s next birthday things will drastically change as David officially becomes an adult. Anxiety runs through my soul as I realize that my precious child will longer be able to go to Phoenix Children's Hospital or see his pediatrician was treated him for 17 years.  I can’t help but wonder how  much one year is going to require our lives to change.   

I just figured out how to care for a child with disabilities and then he became an adolescent, and now I will have to figure out how to care for an adult.  In all reality not much really change, but I know we're about to embark on a different journey that will be filled with change that might be intense and scary until we get adjusted.  All in all and so grateful for the amazing life we've had, the  unbreakable bond that David and I share, and the fact that we've survived so much and are still smiling! 

7 years ago today I lost my best friend.  I'll never forget the phone call, the regrets, or the last time David and I had to say goodbye to him.  In the past this day has been extremely rough for me, but today I will focus on all the amazing memories we were able to make with him.  It will not change how much we miss him, but it will help me smile through today.  Because February 20 is not only the day that God brought my father home it is also the day God bless this earth with one of the most beautiful precious souls I know!  Happy Birthday Christina I thank God for you everyday!!!!

Moving past 2013 I remind myself that THE BEST IS YET TO COME!!!  I cannot complain about the last year because although it's been extremely difficult I have grown so much in my walk with the Lord.  Somehow with the help of amazing friends, I successfully planned and threw David's best birthday party yet, advocated for my students and got them the classroom setting they deserve, and have begun  fulfilling my passion of working with the youth at my church.  I pray that in 2014 I continue to find refuge in my Lord and Savior and allow him to give me the strength to rise to any challenge we may encounter.

Maybe the lesson to be learned in all of this is that the quicker you give things to God the quicker he can fix them! Yesterday I was broken to the point of surrender and in that moment of weakness I could do nothing more than hand all of my hardships and sorrows to God, in less than 24 hours all of the issues that were burdening me have had some sort of resolve!  Thank you Jesus for loving me despite my stubborn ways!!!!   ;)

I know most of you have wondered what I've been going through lately and have not fully understood... Because the matter is not about me I have tried to be very considerate of the information I have disclosed online. I can't say much more than, my family is in the midst of a major crisis! As hectic as planning David's party was it was a great distraction from facing the realities of the things going on in my life.  Now that the party is over, reflecting on the party has been  a great reminder of all the love and support David and I have been so blessed with! Lately it has seemed as if my world has been spiraling out of control in every aspect of my life.  God knows me and generally it is hard for me to give my burdens to him until I can take it no longer! We'll I'm there & I surrender Lord!

My dearest David, there is

                                               no humble way to explain what your life means,

Or a simple way for people to understand how my disabled child has taught me so many astonishing things.

Unconditional love is an emotion I thought I would never know,

Until one day in my tummy, you began to grow.

But shortly after you were born I began to understand,

That God specifically chose YOU to be my special little man.

So fragile and frail we grew together as a team,

Just one look into your eyes and I knew what the term unconditional love was supposed to mean.

Who was to know that life would take us to such mysterious places,

When it seemed that there was no light to guide us through, your spirit kept a smile on our faces.

We have climbed mountains high and seen valleys low,

Yet through each one of our challenges, together we would grow.

With a mommy's broken heart and a child's broken body,

We courageously faced the world, proving that we could be broken by nothing or conquered by nobody.

We have traveled a journey that's been long and hard,

Even in my darkest moments you've continued to be my guiding star.

You have been my motivation, strength, courage, inspiration, and biggest fan,

It is you my sweet angel, I give credit for who I am.

A Hero defined as... "a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities" is how I describe you my son,

A precious sweet child whose spirits & life prove Gods work in us is never done!

So as we continue on to climb our next mountain, I'm ready to go,

Because no matter where this journey might lead us, I know that always and forever by my side will be you, my HERO!

Happy 17th Birthday My Super Hero!!!

We'll my mom will be heading to Spain today, to start her new life!  I want to be happy for her, but all I can think about is putting my father on a plane & never seeing him alive again.  Now that the day has come,  this whole ordeal is making me much more anxious than I had anticipated!  ;(. 

I hate goodbyes almost as much as I hate PTSD!!!!

On October 7th around noon, while at Iguassu falls, Brazil I was greeted by a butterfly.  It land on my hand & stay there for at least 15 minutes.  When it was time to go to our next destination I tried to blow this beautiful butterfly off my hand but it refused to leave.  Eventually I had to shake the butterfly off my hand.

That evening when when we returned to our hotel I got a message that a friend of
an incredible man of God, went home to be with Jesus.  The message came in around noon and that is the approximate time I was greeted by the butterfly.

God brings us peace in different ways.  To think that just maybe God sent me one of his beautiful creations to comfort me in the fact that it was time for such a special person to return to him, did comfort my soul!

I pray that God brings peace & comfort to anyone and everyone who has been effected by the loss of such an inspiring, caring, & faithful man, leaving us way too soon. May we all gain perfect understanding of the Lords mysterious plan one day.

God will continue to shine through you even from heaven Rolando Luna!!!

Blessed to have had the opportunity to travel with such amazing people.  In 7 days I have: been in two continents and two hemispheres, spent three nights in moving transportation, been in 6 airports, and to 3 amazing Brazilian cities with a countless number of the most amazing people imaginable (the Hoyt family which have been such a blessing in my life). Some are old friends, some are new friends but all are now forever friends. I also had the privilege of attending the most beautiful wedding I've ever seen! Congratulations James and Mariana!!!  

* I couldn't have put it in better words Christina*