I am so fortunate to have such phenomenal best friends who always come to my rescue. Last night they showed up and we broke bread, shared laughs, tears, and best of all we shared our love and support for one another!

Sometimes no matter how difficult life may be that's all you need to see the upside of things.  

I must say I think the funniest story of the night is me recapping my crybaby experience at the bank.  I was trying to explain to the banker that I needed my documents ASAP and didn't have time (5-7 days) because I was about to leave for Europe to go see my mother, who is in prison with cancer (like that's all normal). Just as he looked up from his computer like OMG what do I do next, the tears began pouring down my cheeks.  In the background there was this very loud drilling noise that was making my anxiety even worse then it already was.  Then in the middle of my meltdown I wiped my tears, looked at him and said "do you really work with this noise all day" and then I began crying again.  

You must've thought I was crazy and at that point I was!  Lol

Moral of the story... God, good friends and laughter fixes almost everything.

I feel like I'm losing an internal battle with my emotions, they'recurrently winning and I'm falling to pieces!

I've been coping with things the best I know how and that is  just pushing forward full force. Perfect idea... I'll buy a new house.  That will give me something positive to focus on and keep my mind from racing, and that it did, until I hit a brick wall and was forced to face my realities.   I realized after I couldn't hold back tears at the bank. it's not about faxes not going through, emails not being received, figuring out my income for the summer, or any of those minute factors.  

On Saturday I will be leaving my baby boy for the longest time I've ever left him (knowing he is still having swallowing issues), to go visit my mother in prison!  I will be limited to three 2 hour visits.   I will have to ask a prison guard for permission to hug her, hold her, or interact with her in anyway. In 10 days she will be having a high-risk surgery that could possibly take her life.  I know everyone wants to comfort me, but it is much easier to say it's going to be ok, then it is to convince my emotions of that.  

I learned to quit questioning God "why" even though my mind still sometimes takes me to those places.  Why.., because I'm chosen and have a calling on my life.  Why?  Does not matter right now. How? is the bigger question.  Only by the grace of God and with the help of his everlasting strength will I pull through this!  

I am Dreaming BIG and faithfully believing!

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

I have been looking for a bigger house for quite some time. I would like to move and settle in to a home that David and I can be in for the rest of our lives. It has been a long hard road for us and I am at a place in my life that I am eagerly seeking being “settled”. Although this house is more space than we need now, if I get the family my heart desires this home is just PERFECT! I'm looking for a house we can call home for the rest of our lives. It even has a pool which would be great for David's therapy. 

I plan to put an offer on the house in the next month.  In order to qualify I would have to get the home at a much lower price than the seller currently has it listed for.  I do not want to offend the seller with my offer, but getting it reduce it the only way I will be able to qualify so I am just praying for favor.  Although it's a dream that seems out of reach at the moments I know God is always provided for us and miraculous ways so I'm still believing that this is a dream that can come true for us! I envision a home we could host youth events, care for more children of my own, foster babies. and more. NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR THE GOD I SERVE!

This is a test, only a test!

I woke up to a call from the US Embassy this morning. I still don't know much more than I already knew, but it was a relief to talk to someone who had more connections to my mom and her medical staff than I do. Surgery has not yet been scheduled and she saw the judge today. It is a Holiday is Spain so unfortunately I will have to wait until Monday to find out more about my mothers court hearing and medical condition. 


I got to spend the day with my fabulous students who always put a smile on my face and David has gotten through the day without chocking. After work I inquired about my current contract to find out that the district is only giving our school funding for 4 special education position.   This may leave me in the same position I fought so hard to get out of the first two quarters (kindergarten - 5th grade self-contained). This means I might have to go back to the drawing board as far as employment for next year, if I can not get the issue resolved with the district. For now if I can't change it I am just going to breath, survive everyday, and hope for the best with a backup plan set in place. ‪  #‎onedayatatime ‪#‎Godsgotthis‪#‎hissmilewillcontinuetokeepmegoing

In the last couple of weeks fear, the pressure of life, loss, discouragement, anxiety, and defeat have taken over.  I cannot deny the fact that we've been knocked down quite a lot in life, sometimes it feels that we're knocked down so hard we can't get back up, but the truth is we always do get back up.  We get back up stronger, braver, and more courageous than the time before. NEVER has God EVER failed or abandoned us! 

Sometimes it feels like we have been knocked down far more than most people, but I also realize that God has graciously come down and embraced us in our darkest moments.   It has allowed me the opportunity to know Jesus on a much deeper level than most can ever understand. I needed  some time to away from it all to be reminded of what our journey is all about and although it sucks sometimes to know that I was chosen for this journey that has been long and hard it's also an extreme honor to know that God believes in me and knows that we can do this.  

I still believe THE BEST IS YET TO COME.  Not cancer, death, loss, any medical issue, or any obstacle can take that from us! Satan get behind me because there's no room for you in our lives. We are going to do big things and make a huge impact in this world and not you or any circumstance can get in our way or change that!  Thank you to all my faithful friends who have encouraged us through our lowest points  and prayed us back to our feet!   

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us".  Romans 8:37

In the last couple of weeks fear, the pressure of life, loss, discouragement, anxiety, and defeat have taken over.  I cannot deny the fact that we've been knocked down quite a lot in life, sometimes it feels that we're knocked down so hard we can't get back up, but the truth is we always do get back up.  We get back up stronger, braver, and more courageous than the time before. NEVER has God EVER failed or abandoned us! Sometimes it feels like we have been knocked down far more than most people, but I also realize that God has graciously come down and embraced us in our darkest moments.   It has allowed me the opportunity to know Jesus on a much deeper level than most can ever understand. I needed  some time to away from it all to be reminded of what our journey is all about and although it sucks sometimes to know that I was chosen for this journey that has been long and hard it's also an extreme honor to know that God believes in me and knows that we can do this.  I still believe THE BEST IS YET TO COME.  Not cancer, deaths, loss, or any medical issue can take that from us! Satan get behind me because there's no room for you in our lives. We are going to do big things and make a huge impact in this world and not you or any circumstance can get in our way or change that!  Thank you to all my faithful friends who have encouraged us through our lowest points  and prayed us back to our feet!   

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Romans 8:37

David just got back from getting a CT scans and X-ray's and so far so good.  I know people are worried about us, but as crazy as it sounds we are doing great.  Being in the hospital is a nice little break from our reality.  Especially because it is nothing serious. I am able slow down, breath, and do what I do best, be a mommy!  David and I are cuddling and enjoying each other with no distractions and not a worry in the world.  We are sharing a feeling of comfort that I have desperately needed all week! 

The speech pathologist from David school just called because David had yet another scary choking incident. They do not feel that they can safely administer his feeds at school.  We are now on our way to Phoenix Children's Hospital to hopefully get answers and a new feeding plan.

I cannot even begin to wrap my thoughts around our current situation. If God needs me broken I  am, if he wants me to surrender I don't have the strength to do anything but cry out on my knees,  ENOUGH ALREADY!!! 

The speech pathologist from David school just called because David had yet another scary choking incident. They do not feel that they can safely administer his feeds at school.  We are now on our way to Phoenix Children's Hospital to hopefully get answers and a new feeding plan.

I cannot even begin to wrap my thoughts around our current situation. If God needs me broken I  am, if he wants me to surrender I don't have the strength to do anything but cry out on my knees,  ENOUGH ALREADY!!! 

I don't want to wake up and face tomorrow, but not facing life is not an option.  From what I understand the prison has been trying to find the best possible hospital to perform my mothers surgery because of the high risk involved.  At this point I don't know when, where, or even what the surgery will entail.  I am going to try get some rest, but rest has not come easy lately.  

I have spent the last week anxiously starring at my phone hoping to get answers, but dreading the possibility that at any moment I could get "the call".  The same call I got when my dad passed. A one minute call that forever changed my  life.  A call that informs you that life as you know it will be forever change, happy moments will now hurt, as you try and survive life with a gaping whole in the center of your heart. I have done this way too many times to survive doing this again.   

Every breath I take hurts! I am trying everything humanly possible to cling to my faith, but there are some moments that every ounce of sanity I have left seems to  quickly drift right through my finger tips.  Jesus I know you are there and I know you hear my cries so I am begging you please help me with this pain!!!!!  Please Lord if your will is not for her to survive this please at least allow me the opportunity to make this right and give me the strength to survive this without her.  

I AM NOT OK!!!

I can not cry this away, shop this away, clean this away, sleep this away, or even pray this away!  It is an ongoing nightmare! Pain is eating my from the inside out!  All BS aside I just want to hold her and tell her I forgive her.  I let my hurt feelings get the best of me and now I might not ever get the chance to tell her how much she really means to me.  Her desperation for love landed her in jail and now she could possibly die there alone, never knowing how much love she has at home praying for her safe return.  I don't want to have to spend Mother's Day and Father's Day crying over letters with their last words because that is all I have left.  I hate life almost as much as I hate death right now!!! I can't take much more of this!!!  ;(

I'm too broken right now to try and hide or sugar coat things so here it is...  My mom has been in Prison in Madrid Spain since November.  I have been extremely angry with her over her bad decisions which left me feeling very abandoned.  Our contact has been very limited due to the circumstance.  Last week I found out that she was diagnosed with cancer, but because I can not just pick up the phone and call her I had very few details and was left with many questions.  I have tried to survive in denial while I got through some other crisis currently going on in our lives, but today reality slapped me in the face!!!  I now know that the Cancer is wide spread and because of all of her other medical issues, she is at a very high risk of not surviving the surgery.  I had to decide what I wanted to do with her body and I haven't even been able to talk to her yet.

Please don't tell me to trust God and/or please don't tell me to just focus on the positive because if it was that easy I would not be feeling this heart wrenching pain right now!!! What we need right now is prayer for either healing or for strength to carry us through.

I don't want to bury my last living parent, my son's only grandparent.  I don't want to hear from the US Embassy that my mother is withering away in a jail cell in a foreign country all alone!  

I'm pissed off, broken, tired, and feeling defeated!!! 

I just want to throw my face into a pillow and cry until I can't cry anymore!  I want to scream and yell at the world about how unfair life can be sometimes.  I'm angry, I'm sad, and I'm extremely weak right now. I don't want to be a superhero or that supermom that everyone admires.  Right now I just need to be human.  I just need people to understand that I'm broken.  I need people to see that no matter how strong they may perceive me to be, I too get tired and  I feel pain just like everyone else.   I don't want to be that strong woman who always gets right back up.  I want to just sit on the floor and kick and scream for a while first!!! I have faith, I am positive, and I know my God is bigger than my current situation, but none of that changes the fact 

that life hurts right now!!!!  

I would like to wish my father a Happy birthday, but the truth is now that he's passed his birthday seen to be filled with much more sadness than happiness. 

I know people are well-intentioned  when they say  "he is with you in spirit" or "he is looking down on you". I hope that's so, but that doesn't change the sad reality that he is not physically here. He is not able to wipe my tears, hug me a hard day, or help me laugh  my way through crisis. Unfortunately people's kind words doesn't make life without him hurt any less.

Daddy  I hope that you're in heaven running, jumping, playing practical jokes,  and doing all the things you're body didn't allow you to do on earth anymore. Just know that there's not a day or second that goes by that I don't miss and think of you. 

I try to cope the best I can, but losing your best friend and father all at the same time is far too difficult to swallow on days like today!  Since you are and not physically here to share my adventures with, I take you along for the ride.  So far you've been to Puerto Rico, Brazil, Honduras, and you even made it to both of my Masters graduation ceremonies!  

I take after you and I'm a pretty tough cookie so I know I'll somehow managed to get through the day, even if I do it with a very heavy heart!  I love you to infinity and beyond!

As I sat in my car broken and overwhelmed I cried out to Jesus. I pleaded for confirmation that I'm headed in the right direction and on the right path. Five minutes into my drive to church I get a phone call that was just as clear as Jesus whispering in my ear, keep on pushing forward, I'm here! — feeling determined.

Now to figure out how to pack two dozen boxes of colored pencils, two dozen packs of markers, over 50 boxes of crayons,  a dozen baby rattles, erasers, pencil sharpener's, pencils, three dozen socks, cars, baby dolls, team David Bands, and all the letters from my students in one suitcase!  I can't wait to deliver these goodies to the orphans in Honduras!!!!  Thanks again to all my faithful friends who support all of my endeavors.  It looks like Christmas in March.  ;). I plan to deliver far more than school supplies to these kiddos, I want to bring them the love of Jesus!!!!

For the things I am yet to have…

For the mother I do not have, God has given me an exceptional spiritual mother. For the local family support system I do not have, God has given me a church family that has superseded my expectations.  For the sisters I never had the opportunity to grow up with, God gave me amazing friends and an amazing sister-in-law.

For the additional children I'd like to have God gave me a classroom full of them, a church full of them, a world full of them, and beautiful nieces and nephews to share my love with. For the father David has not had the opportunity to have,  God has given us amazing men for him to look up to. 

So what if the white picket fence I have always dreamed of, in all reality is a chain-link fence that keep the children I love at school safe and educated? What if the hero I have been waiting for to save me, showed up 17 years ago in the form of an innocent child who would teach me to love,  and show me how to be courageous and brave.  Just what if…  the night in shining armor I've been waiting for has already come in the form of the best soul mate a girl could ask for, a savior that would die for my sins.  

What if we are wasting so much time focusing on the things we are yet to have that we are not allowing ourselves to enjoy the things God has already given us????

God allows us to paint our own pictures and then when we are ready he comes in and makes those pictures masterpieces. 

 

Food for thought!

In six days Christina Carmel, Iris, & I Will be boarding a plane  to Honduras.  I'm so excited for the opportunity to spend time in an orphanage loving on little ones with no family!  I have been told that school supplies are a hot commodity out there.  A luxury  most children can't afford.  My goal is to be able to bring a suitcase full of  school supplies to share with all the children at the orphanage. If anyone is interested in contributing  we are still in need of pencils, colored pencils, crayons, coloring books, and other various school supplies.  I will be collecting supplies for the next 5 days so please let me know if you would like to be part of providing these gifts to these precious little ones.

It's been so crazy watching my one and only little one grow up! The other day I caught myself getting so excited that he had a boo-boo that mommy could tend to. I cleaned it up , put Neosporin on it, and then finish the job with a Captain America Band-Aid.  It was humbling to have the opportunity to that  nurture him and I enjoyed the fact  that he still needs me for things.  I see how our relationship is changing and I know I need to start figuring out how I'm going to take care of and be the mother of a little man.  I'm still trying to figure things out but I sure do treasure those moments where I can baby him. Do all parents have to go to this?

Let’s be real…

With all my friends having big moments here lately I feel like I've been lost, wondering what's next for David and I.  I wonder when we will have the opportunity to live our own dreams, instead of being happy for those around us. I am extremely happy for those that I love, but I must be honest with myself and there is a part of me that feels like we are being left behind.   When I use to imagine my life, never did I think that at 34 I would be single with only one child?  My plan was to have been rescued by a knight in shining armor, have 10+ little ones running around the house, and a white picket fence to top the cake. 

I often wonder if I have become complacent.  I wonder if David and I will ever get to live our own dreams out or if our excitement will be watching everybody else live them.  I have tried to transfer my undying faith in God to my thoughts in this area of my life, as it has gotten us through every other challenge we have endured, but often my demons convince me that still being alone is a reflection of my value.  As those thoughts start to consume me I am quickly reminded that the devil is a LIAR.    

Subtly God allows me to reflect on our journey from another perspective.  Although, I am unmarried with only one child I have been entrusted with an angel.  I am educated, ambitious, and God has granted me the strength to achieve things in my lifetime that most people do not have the opportunity to do in 60 years, with a partner, and/or healthy children. 

With everything in perspective I begin to reflect on our journey through God’s eyes.  I quickly realize that although I might not yet be where I planned to be at this point in my life, I am a lot further along than I often give myself credit for. 

Looking back at my blog post from only two years ago I immediately become humbled by all the work God has continued to do in our lives.    As I read through the post I remember my desperate pleas for prayers, hoping my son would wake up and take a breath on his own.  I remember my intimate conversations with God promising that I would go without anything for the rest of my life, just to have that one thing that matters,   my precious son alive and well.   Sometimes God's plans for us are much different than our own, but that just means God has bigger and better plans.  Looking back I thank God for all of the answered and unanswered prayers.  I understand why things I prayed to work out did not and I know that Gods purpose for us is bigger than I can even imagine. 

One thing that I KNOW…  wedding or no wedding, babies or no babies, financially prosperous or broke, God is alive in me and our lives are a testament of his grace and mercy.   I will continue to patiently wait for God’s plan for us to be fulfilled because even if his timing is different than my own, his power and plans are worth the wait!!!!!